tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-311247844830437562024-02-18T18:10:30.134-08:00Rachel's Remarkable RideA journey of health and healingAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17749128624123288576noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31124784483043756.post-21667475117926829312018-12-29T22:28:00.000-08:002018-12-29T22:28:12.884-08:00The night the Jewish Penicillin saved my lifeNP<span style="text-align: center;">O is a word you don't want to hear in a hospital, It's a latin phrase that translates to "nothing by mouth"...and let me tell you. I'VE BEEN HEARING IT QUITE A BIT. After a couple of dark afternoons of the soul, hearing this phrase was quite the hammer blow.</span><br />
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However, in typical MSKCC saving grace fashion, Jessica came frolicking into my room telling me that I was off NPO. So I shouted at her to "FOLLOW THAT BRITISH MAN!" He knew exactly what to do and picked up a piping cup of<br />
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<a href="https://ny.eater.com/2015/12/22/10628778/best-nyc-delis" target="_blank">https://ny.eater.com/2015/12/22/10628778/best-nyc-delis</a><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKMveFZzpUBhlVZuTGkOqRBYYzeBP-dr8kc3PJQWS2Wh8rf1518_uTf1NMI6Ws8SjT1SEQA7lx6OPoU06Rzfob9SqaD2uu5patDrXugp0UW-WooIXqBCjoa_rbbDjbbYD2UU1d4k3W3Q/s1600/2437899_YD4U10nNyGjuj_I2g4Sgya9-CujUakp5m-9hvQVyrlY.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKMveFZzpUBhlVZuTGkOqRBYYzeBP-dr8kc3PJQWS2Wh8rf1518_uTf1NMI6Ws8SjT1SEQA7lx6OPoU06Rzfob9SqaD2uu5patDrXugp0UW-WooIXqBCjoa_rbbDjbbYD2UU1d4k3W3Q/s1600/2437899_YD4U10nNyGjuj_I2g4Sgya9-CujUakp5m-9hvQVyrlY.jpg" /></a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17749128624123288576noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31124784483043756.post-5466371056137165962018-12-29T21:58:00.000-08:002018-12-29T21:58:03.897-08:00It will last because of people like this in my life:"Rachel, I don't know how to tell you this but when I'm around you or hear from you, I feel your energy you are giving life right now. And it is light and it is beautiful and I thank you. God is using you as a vessel at this very moment to illuminate the lives around you. To put people on their paths and give them love and redemption. THAT is the miracle, Rachel. Love you beautiful light. Yes, you are moving things in a big way, big purpose. You have more power than you think in this situation, you are already saved, you've already been elevated." The whole universe is a living being moved by a force, and that is what you are. You are life.<br />
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You all keep me so strong, thank you for loving me!<br />
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๐๐<br />
-RachAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17749128624123288576noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31124784483043756.post-32989746893306673312018-12-28T23:15:00.000-08:002018-12-28T23:15:33.799-08:00This too shall past, this too shall lastBack to the land of the living? Are we right side up yet?<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRxqlBoO_RjIgkdpUxKj2kDKUGNQ9KfsRiZoi9wIa_hKKsjL6qCk-v7oGw0LfezSmM4n5Glxdls4r0kYcUviRC0Vo6ZrJkRioHCt1w7CKI_j0nfyToJ4298uag9qEeYLB6TJ-3lYWmvA/s1600/IMG_5783.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRxqlBoO_RjIgkdpUxKj2kDKUGNQ9KfsRiZoi9wIa_hKKsjL6qCk-v7oGw0LfezSmM4n5Glxdls4r0kYcUviRC0Vo6ZrJkRioHCt1w7CKI_j0nfyToJ4298uag9qEeYLB6TJ-3lYWmvA/s200/IMG_5783.JPG" width="200" /></a>I've been living in the mind/body symptom swamp of terror for a couple of days as we wait for answers.....or just some frickin planzzzzzz. (There is only one assumption to make here and you are correct. This place looks/feels EXACTLY like the upside down from Stranger Things...did you even have to ask?).<br />
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To say that I've had an unshakable "spidey-sense" tingly of fear creeping around in my brain for the last couple of days can now be described as the understatement of a lifetime. I'm fairly certain that preparing for life/groundbreaking news from a place of sheer terror is a normal human reaction based on that annoying little negativity feedback mechanism thing ma-jingy...all because there were these LARGE MONSTERS called dinosaurs roaming the planet with people way back when. UGH. Fuck, dinosaurs, man.<br />
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Sorry, guy. But you sure screwed things up with a human's brains ability to process things square from a place of fear. And now everyone gets all excited when we find you! HEY YEAH MAN, WE LIVED. HE DED! Throw that stupid bone away. Any point in having a giant reminder of human evolution on your desk that Dave the dinosaur just continually wafts his stinky fear breath that everything is terrible, horrible, no good very bad?<br />
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Piss off, Dave.<br />
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So what happened then, yeah? Well you want to see something absolutely breathtakingly beautiful? You walk into a room of 7 doctors, all of which are women, all of which have taken off their white coats so as not to intimidate. They make up certain components of specialist teams which have been treating you since you arrived in the hospital with your head oncologist, after giving you with a big hug sits to your left. Of course they're all insanely beautiful creatures, both inside and out. I wasn't only treated by men, but my intuition tends to pull strong woman warriors to center stage and these, my friends, are ABSOLUTE WARRIORS. They all walk us through the events of my little body melt down and leave us with a likewise beautiful plan, which we shall call "System Stabilization". Let's get these organs operating at least at optimum level rather than break-neck speed. Then we discuss further interventions. Right now, my organs would not tolerate the toxicity levels we would need in order to administer harsh drugs, chemo, radiation and aggressive finger-pointing. Sounds good to me! Let's get these Sally's back on the wagon and put em to work. I can stay in the hospital as long as I need and then do the recuperating/system stabilization process from wherever. So where may that be, you ask?<br />
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I've heard from a wise woman recently (me) that you should really start to follow those inner voices and intuitive signs. So guess what's been on my mind a whole bunch, recently? Sorry, not Georgia. But close! Arizona! I've been craving a beautiful environment to clear out the junk from my system and bring in the good and just be enclosed in some down home frickin natural beauty. Know a good place? Because I do! And they've been swinging between my ears literally for the last TWO MONTHS (at very least). Sedona and Mesa have been continuously popping into my head and both also happen to be:1) naturally breathtakingly beautiful and 2) high on the energy scale in terms of healing. Of course, the second I start to proclaim these ideas of mine--based on the synchronicity-vortex i'm living in I"m getting messages from people who are either CURRENTLY there or have been there and have healed or those that know about. Shit. you. not. (So please keep junking up all my messages with tips, stories and contacts!)<br />
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<u>Lesson of the day:</u><br />
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1) when you're ready for it<br />
2) open yourself up to it and ask<br />
3) the universe will literally deliver to your doorstep<br />
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So there is a lot to unpack in the above...I get that. BELIEVE YOU ME, I definitely plan on doing some deep unpacking here because after this meeting, I've just never been more excited for living. It's weird, I keep trying to replay events in my head from "our conference" similar to probably how I would back in high school after a break-up with a boyfriend...looking for the parts which were terrible and awful and horrible and scary. I go into my head looking for that and what comes out is this absolute FIRE for LIFE. So I guess that's where I'm going...to the land of the fire. To purge. Clear. Heal.<br />
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Will never leave you without an abundance of Adlie love bug pics to lift (an already good) mood:<br />
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Love ya'll<br />
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๐๐<br />
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-Rach</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17749128624123288576noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31124784483043756.post-7241001092416735452018-12-25T23:57:00.000-08:002018-12-26T03:43:41.335-08:00Kristmas at Kettering!<br />
One, in general, would not assume that spending a Christmas Holiday in the hospital would be rather enjoyable...BUT today was actually SUCH A GOOD DAY. It's not about where you spend Christmas, it's about where your heart is at Christmas. Mine was in the love and care of two very important camps: 1) Staff at MSKCC and obvs 2) my amazing family.<br />
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The nurses, doctors and staff at MSKCC are actual angels. I've often wondered how they realistically hire people who genuinely just fricking care so much about other humans. Do they require some type of personality or "angel testing"? I'm actually serious. While watching my all-time favorite Christmas movie "It's a Wonderful Life" last night, I realized that all the people here have the heart of Clarence. You will never meet a mean or rude MSKCC employee. I find it absolutely stunning that an organization this large in the heart of New York fricking City, can hire thousands of people without one of them ever being rude or possibly ever in this midst of a bad day?? I've sometimes joked that they must pump either drugs or pure oxygen into these buildings because everyone is always so damn nice. All of these things are very very good, they just perplex the shit out of me. So my time here has been spent with a whole group of Clarences. I've made best friends with every single nurse I've had and am already trying to figure out ways to stalk them so we can become best friends in real life. Hana, I will miss your bright sunny face greeting me every morning! Also, what the hell do you use on your skin, it's flawless!?? Lauren...don't ever tell ANYONE that I almost conned you into looking up RBG's room number so we could go stalk her. But also thank you for taking me to the Christmas spectacle downstairs in the basement, I love you!<br />
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To help the MSKCC camp feel less bad (but honestly they never feel bad ever...so who am I kidding?) about working on Christmas, of course Mom and Eric had to do something for them. So in, stereotypical Midwestern fashion they brought it a massive bag of muffins, bagels, fruit (some other kosher treats) and a big Ol thank you card for the peeps working on the floor today. They are giving us their love and compassion and making a sacrifice on the family front but we are so unbelievably grateful for their love and would happily consider each and every one of them a dear member of our own family.<br />
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On to Camp Number 2 - my amazing loving family that was my genuine saving grace today and every damn day of my life. They've obviously dropped everything to come out to be here with me on Christmas.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikChu5FcGrqoZhk9cXorUI9piu8um9hX8fYNpqykdhKOqovahk5NjtL4FAYebM5Mz17_r6Y2mvAeLR8Xurn_lh0RaJL3zxo2xgbmB-K6ZcgAmXMMtFNy-NRb-mPLPhp8xvlrofCVabBw/s1600/IMG_5570.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikChu5FcGrqoZhk9cXorUI9piu8um9hX8fYNpqykdhKOqovahk5NjtL4FAYebM5Mz17_r6Y2mvAeLR8Xurn_lh0RaJL3zxo2xgbmB-K6ZcgAmXMMtFNy-NRb-mPLPhp8xvlrofCVabBw/s200/IMG_5570.JPG" width="150" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwhymEaji6RpqkMxxtJKZv-FFF9e_JrMd7UiBCtNuwwaRK9PX0KzS79KD5dCLHKoN7lrUasQhnnUtvUY9AorbFTJDGb2QJv93Ao_AjGtVPboG7Ed2LWnwotM7DdRkXTW2wb8GIY2JV0A/s1600/IMG_5432.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwhymEaji6RpqkMxxtJKZv-FFF9e_JrMd7UiBCtNuwwaRK9PX0KzS79KD5dCLHKoN7lrUasQhnnUtvUY9AorbFTJDGb2QJv93Ao_AjGtVPboG7Ed2LWnwotM7DdRkXTW2wb8GIY2JV0A/s200/IMG_5432.JPG" width="150" /></a>This one obviously cleared her schedule immediately and boarded the first available flight. WELL LET ME TELL YOU, she's been quite the hit in here in NYC. I fully support a move to live with her auntie and uncle after she graduates pre-k. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One is an Elsa-nose and one is an Olaf-nose</td></tr>
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How can this not be pure medicine???<br />
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Your family is part of your soul, they are a part of who you are as a person. When you break, they break and that fact alone has always been the hardest for me to take (Damnit, I'm not trying to rhyme but definitely not changing it either). Anyway, I'm learning and trusting the process of allowing them to just be there to take care of me and not doing so much protecting. It's been so incredibly healing to allow them to put some of these shattered pieces back together. We're forming a healthier body and spirit in the midst of all of this. Is that what this Christmas is about for me? I'm literally discovering the human spirit and what it takes to mend the body and the soul. I think the answer is a whole lot of love but they say love creates miracles and in that fact I have no doubt.<br />
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So, thank you family for being my saving grace this Christmas. I love you so freeeeeaaaaaking much.<br />
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And of course thank you to the continual barrage of amazing pics and videos from friends and family. They keep me moving when I'm dredging deep in the mind/body swamp. Where symptoms of the body breed ugly thoughts of the mind. These daily reminders that love is so pure and light lift me from a place of fear to a place love and that's where I need to be in order to heal, so THANK YOU!<br />
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This pic of Sam (who's great fear in life is breaking things, especially small important fragile things) holding a baby with THIS AMOUNT OF UNADULTERATED JOY has changed me as a person. Like. Forever.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i9.ytimg.com/vi/cNCxWVzfEWE/default.jpg?sqp=CPzijOEF&rs=AOn4CLB5iEk97K6vI4GK8gSpoay31MEeAg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/cNCxWVzfEWE?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
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I don't know about you, but I say Emma has some untapped potential in the head/face sculpting business! I've never seen a more genuine likeness to my MUG than this kid just magnificently manifested! #knockoffworthy</div>
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Love you all!</div>
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๐๐</div>
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-Rach</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17749128624123288576noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31124784483043756.post-79820976417054419032018-12-22T23:49:00.000-08:002018-12-22T23:49:19.489-08:00Look AWAY ENID, LOOK AWAY!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Do you even know me if you can't say that one of my most absolute favorite ways to spend my time in life is coming up with pranks? When filling out forms and being asked for "hobbies" I legitimately put "pranking people". BECAUSE IT'S THE TRUTH PEOPLE.<br />
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And finally in the Art of Rachel Pranks someone has almost topped my game:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRQxWg4cH2hE0P3yavRFhR0UXZ8qwt1Hbx6urBBVwoIUxn4az8UhljGHoNxREzP9ZPE4e-orfjjFbOS1CuhYkxvUlRm2J3t0T9Pbg2TIwjQYi2AJx23Xlpqnchr58cJlrgrFM9LIFfWw/s1600/IMG_5420.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRQxWg4cH2hE0P3yavRFhR0UXZ8qwt1Hbx6urBBVwoIUxn4az8UhljGHoNxREzP9ZPE4e-orfjjFbOS1CuhYkxvUlRm2J3t0T9Pbg2TIwjQYi2AJx23Xlpqnchr58cJlrgrFM9LIFfWw/s200/IMG_5420.JPG" width="200" /></a></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I kind of censored for Enid, but let's be real. We know what it says. For Enid's peace of mind we'll say the recipient of the "message" is cancer. You know what to do, cancer. Go on then. </td></tr>
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MY FRIENDS HAVE OFFICIALLY PERFECTED THE ART OF THE HOSPITAL GIFT! I can claim no greater glory than the impetus of inspiration for this fine feat.<br />
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So yeah, I said it earlier. The last two days have not been grand. My tummy has been responding poorly to all the steroids, antibiotics and napalm they're feeding it so yesterday was in some pain and unable to eat. Well, when they don't trust you can eat one day...they hold off on feeding you for the next. AGHHHH. I've been munching on ice chips for two days. I told the doc our goal tomorrow is a swig of water and three of coffee. I'm fine with someone just walking by me with coffee at this point.<br />
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Led and Lud seem to be cooperating though and are getting over their little shit fit day by day. But as far as timing goes, it can be said with a degree of certainty now that I won't be heading home to ND for the Holidays (hopefully out of the hospital/fingers crossed).<br />
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What does that mean? MIDWEST INVASION. What could possibly go wrong?<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSrPcv60osRKAKV6Mav6O-7KDXSPJnx2rzsk5fopn1ck1MgURQ1qKkjoHeXEjse_txSTmR8W08r3dMo08b3ZVyFvNRo8S_7RTPiIa9ly1_d6RUo1BLkE1xWFCqeoBC7aLlGP3pUsmujg/s1600/Home-Alone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="545" data-original-width="970" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSrPcv60osRKAKV6Mav6O-7KDXSPJnx2rzsk5fopn1ck1MgURQ1qKkjoHeXEjse_txSTmR8W08r3dMo08b3ZVyFvNRo8S_7RTPiIa9ly1_d6RUo1BLkE1xWFCqeoBC7aLlGP3pUsmujg/s320/Home-Alone.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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This is Adlie telling me "Rachie, when we done eating we gone come there". Okay, babes!<br />
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I'm pretty damn excited about it all. Also about all the continued love and support I get from you amazing amazing people. Here again is just a glimpse:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhA6fomlDsoHvvErI3TxmsVGEAa7sAKeiJLknrlmyXIcxKJAERzN2AyuQaO6VJI5qIhIy6PtMrh5MiC1RUMgIx5Rc_64TnPEwlKbb9x22k4_p5DzzVbDDrPkseR39o8atztumhWj6-4oQ/s1600/IMG_5407.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="915" data-original-width="1220" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhA6fomlDsoHvvErI3TxmsVGEAa7sAKeiJLknrlmyXIcxKJAERzN2AyuQaO6VJI5qIhIy6PtMrh5MiC1RUMgIx5Rc_64TnPEwlKbb9x22k4_p5DzzVbDDrPkseR39o8atztumhWj6-4oQ/s200/IMG_5407.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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Alright guys, love you!<br />
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๐๐<br />
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-RachAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17749128624123288576noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31124784483043756.post-73299591525711515662018-12-20T22:13:00.000-08:002018-12-20T22:17:41.977-08:00Is it bizarre to be experiencing extreme bursts of absolute bliss right now?Tomorrow will be a week since I came into the hospital (yikes) with what I thought was going to be a simple request for a nebulizer treatment. Slowly but surely is the name of the game and that's fine with me. I'm slowly stabilizing and the docs are surely figuring out the genesis to this little event. Once I'm stable, I'll be released back into the great unknown. We'll meet with my dream team and get another plan in place.<br />
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You could say times are a tad uncertain or on shaky ground. Every now and then you get ricocheted into these really dark places but the light that shines through from your loved ones is the most brilliant thing you'll ever see. The dichotomies are extreme here but are absolutely riveting.<br />
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Here is just a small sampling of the daily love I receive that literally feeds my soul and blasts open the beauty and power of the human spirit.<br />
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Of course, as I'm waiting to post these pictures I take time to scroll through some emails and in keeping with this divine/synchrodestiny world I'm currently living in I'm once again brought to my knees by a colleague's email. It's sent out of pure love and I weep not just for the individualized messages within but for the overall beauty of the soul and what a soul does when seeing another in need.<br />
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This is all so hard to describe. In the depths of these great unknowns I keep getting these booming sensations of PURE JOY. Is this what happens when your soul shatters, breaks open and finally sees life for the first time? I've tried to put it into words to a few people and I become so overwhelmed that the words leave my mouth and I sit there with this stunned tearful look on my face and that's about where the conversation ends.<br />
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There is so much beauty around us and WITHIN us. Ugh.. tap into that (guess I had to try to tie the last post to this one :)<br />
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๐๐<br />
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-RachAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17749128624123288576noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31124784483043756.post-60581910425101009022018-12-19T21:38:00.001-08:002018-12-20T18:45:33.031-08:00Emotionally and Physically Tapped - Two day post<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Tap that shit. Well today (12/18) was interesting. I'm not sure if it was last night's late post that stirred some things up but I woke up in a very EMOTIONAL state of being. Everything made me cry. Things that didn't make sense, things that did make sense. Things the nurse said to me to try to get me to smile [WHO CRIES WHEN SOMEONE IS TRYING TO MAKE YOU SMILE!??]<br />
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I had a procedure scheduled at 10 am today to have an abundance of fluid removed from my lungs. I was a literally being tapped. Then it dawned on me. My mood and emotions were also being tapped. I was being drained both from the body and the spirit.Timing was perfect because it could allow for a simultaneous release! My mind/spirit knew what my body was being prepared for and it started to make it's own preparations for it's own expulsion of JUNK.<br />
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Well, there was my answer. I knew why I had woken up in such a state and knew that I couldn't hide from it any longer. Old-school Rachel would've done her classic hid under the rug trick, but I've decided to start picking up on the cues my body is sending me now. New me, when I can feel an onset of some type of emotion (whatever it may be: sadness, anxiety, frustration, etc.) I don't immediately go tell it to piss off back to the corner where it came from. I validate it. It's okay to feel this way....I note it and then I let it wash through and over me like a waterfall.<br />
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These emotions are compasses, psychological road maps for us and we should not ignore them. Let's say, hi and not shoo them away immediately BUT we should also not let them drive our lives and live in our bodies and make us sick.<br />
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Did you know that according to Chinese Medicine the emotions associated with the lungs are sadness and grief? But what am I grieving? Hmm weird, I can name a few:<br />
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<li>Maybe this diagnosis?</li>
<li>A different sort of life that I thought I would be currently living (traveling the world, having babies, helping strangers, being creative)</li>
<li>Me maybe? Being intuitively, uniquely myself instead of living up to or according to everyone else's social norms of what life is supposed to look like? </li>
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Leading up to October 2015, I thought I was pretty happy and things were finally coming together, I was racking up major life milestones (were they all unapologetically my very own? Maybe not) but I couldn't be labeled a failure for the things I was doing. Looking back now I could maybe hear those little whisperings which were nudging me in a different direction or telling me to listen closer. But who the heck listens to GHOSTS? Expect, me now. (Hi, Grandpa).<br />
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I'd like to compare one's own intuition to that of a toddler. A "being" so inherently ALL emotion and spirit that the logic/mind/thoughtful analysis component is at an overwhelming ZERO. Well, have you ever ignored an indignant toddler for long enough? I believe most of my friends will say you will get an anvil to the head. And that I did. All of a sudden I had this diagnosis and these roadblocks were dropped in front of "my path?" and I now needed to navigate around/through it?<br />
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Obviously I decided to mainly ignore it. I'd get by, do my best, get the Country's top state of the art treatment (One based in medicine focusing on eliminating the symptoms or killing the disease but often times overlooking the root cause of the disease) and then I would get on with my life and lead at least a semblance of what I thought one should look like after an event such as this.<br />
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Yet, by doing this didn't I just shave a whole aspect of me, my personality my RESILIENCE and my entire being out of this huge game plan? And we're talking about a big game plan here, folks. One meant to save my LIFE. For whom did I make this substitution and sent myself to a bench to watch a very important game? To make other people think "I've got it together, she's going through some shit but she's got her head above water." Why did I want so desperately for people to see me as okay? Can we please start telling ourselves it's OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY. Because look what happens when you do....people pour out to support you in every conceivable way you can imagine and shit, it's f'ing beautiful.<br />
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So let's tap into some shit. My mind was already preparing my body to have some fluid tapped so I think my spirit hopped on the band wagon to join the party. This time, I let it! I'm starting to listen to that anvil-wielding toddler! Following your intuitive guidance (and on occasion your own toddler) is the highest form of preventative and loving health care for yourself. If you leave a toddler with a large anvil, some bad shit may potentially ensue. Likewise, wounds that reside in your body become more and more painful and inhibit you from being your true self. In the wise words of an incredible man "don't let your biography become your biology" -Dr. Wayne Dyer.<br />
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Clearly the doctors know what they're doing with their medical instruments tapping fluid from a lung. But what the frank do I do to remove some of this grief and sadness from my lungs? How do I allow them to feel deserving of the air they're breathing in order to live a life more fulfilled?</div>
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Two ways actually. FREAKING CRY and then FORGIVE. </div>
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Forgive the shit out of yourself for anything you ever said about yourself that was in any way critical, negative or destructive. Why are we all so fricking hard on ourselves? I do believe there is an actual term called the negativity bias and it reigns from the cave-man days. I guess it had purpose in keeping us alive and actively dodging dinosaurs for quite a while but now it's just rude and doesn't make me feel very good when I thought that sweater looked a tad more slimming in the dressing room mirror now just looks frumpy. Hmpf. </div>
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There you have my new mental routine. Cry! Earth-shattering cries. Let it come over you, shake you to the core and then flow out of you. You know what? Feel's freaking GREAT! New business idea - CRY CLASSES (who's in?). Then, tell yourself you're really really sorry you've been such a bad friend to literally the most important person in your life. You never truly believed in her, never gave her credit where credit was due and always always criticized. Hi, Rachel - I'm fricking sorry for putting you on the bench, get your ass back in the game. (After a good cry, of course). </div>
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Oh, and if you ever needed more proof that the people of and supporters/donors of MSKCC are angels..here is proof. Just 1/8th of a ginormous gift bag all patients in the hospital received today. </div>
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LIKE WHAT!???<br />
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K - bye guys. Love ya'll</div>
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๐๐</div>
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-Rach</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17749128624123288576noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31124784483043756.post-57811636888389626792018-12-17T20:46:00.000-08:002018-12-17T20:46:12.029-08:00Meet Leddy and Luddite of the Lobe Variety - two day update<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<u>12/16</u><br />
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This is the tale of two sisters, Leddy and Luddite. They are conjoined twins and they reside within my body as Lung number 1 and Lung number 2. They are being massive dickheads at the moment. They demanded an urgent care trip Friday under the guise of receiving new state of the art med-spa facial treatments but decided to stay overnight for the fresh linens.<br />
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It seems Led and Lud have turned magnetic and are picking up every metal object in the universe. This is what I imagine an actual X-Ray of my chest to look like currently. The doctors just literally keep finding random pieces of tarmac in there. Maybe Delta should reimburse me for all those hours spent on runways.<br />
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Anyway - I'll be in for another night but think we're getting to some type of explanation at least based on how I feel.<br />
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How I felt this morning:<br />
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How I feel currently: </div>
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Also, visits from good friends are healing magic for the soul. Thank you, Jen for the visit (and Christina sans pic...and also now Oryan sans pic). You guys are so loving and healing and that beautiful energy is sent directly to my soul, mind, body, cells (frickin lungs). I honestly felt lighter after we visited. Let people love you, it's such a beautiful thing.<br />
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โโโโโ (that's my knee...not my boob, just FYI)<br />
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<u>12/16 Update:</u><br />
For all my fellow-logic NEEDING friends and family, I know many of you will need some explanations for Led or Lud and LET ME TELL YOU I have NOT ONE, but TWO theories. One very much based in logic and one very much based in what some of you may call pseudoscience or what others may call "integrative medicine" at this point until they come up with a more comprehensive term.<br />
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Let's start with a logic/medicine based compilation of theories and then I'll launch into my other version of potential scenarios.<br />
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<u>Logic based explanation</u>: When I was back on the Immunotherapy study back in Jan of this year, my body had a similar (maybe not as severe reaction) to the immuno drugs. These immune-boosting infusions make your own cells go on some kind of war mongering assault against anything that looks to be an "outside threat". Apparently, my throat, lungs, chest are super threatening (well I guess there was some truth to this in high school). For those that didn't know me in high school please don't read too much into that, but for those that did, well...whatever.<br />
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Earlier this year under the first protocol, my body responded much the same way. My body was attacking cells which were 1) a threat, but also, 2) not a threat. I can go into this in another post because the science behind this is fascinating but my body's reaction was part of the reason they gave me less of the drug and then it stopped proving effective. Once your body goes on a rampage against itself, it's sure hard to slow that shit down. In a sense, Led and Lud are responding much the same way under this immunocology/stem cell infusion (even though the science is different). They've gone on a garbage collecting mission and are picking up anything they can get their slimy little bronchi hands on. This obviously affects my ability to breathe properly and my O2 stats ain't fab. They've been trying to get a good read on my fingers for the last few days but now feel like this tres chic headband will give them more consistent reads.<br />
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Potential investment opportunities available for these head-digs if they kick-off in the way I assume they will once modeled by Moi.<br />
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Game plan right now is for the docs to clean up the hot mess that Led and Lud are throwing in their kitchen. (Come ON PEOPLE - don't you know it's not cool to shit your own bed!??)<br />
Team MSKCC are looking at whether this is:<br />
* inflammation<br />
* new infection, some type of infiltrate<br />
* collapsed lung<br />
* girls just being girls<br />
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The game plan is multi-faceted to tackle all of this shit-stirring simultaneously so that my O2 levels come up to normal. They're giving me antibiotics, steroids and lasiks as part of this process. They also have to monitor your blood while doing all of these things so none of these dynamic approaches throws off your actual blood chemistry too much. Of course I made a little Filipino friend today while she was taking my blood.<br />
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I asked her why the hell she was putting shooters on the table for us after she draws my blood.<br />
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Then of course we talked about Filipino food for the next 45 minutes. At one point she actually said "YOU'RE MAKING ME HOMESICK! How do you know so much about my home country!?" Well, let me tell you lady... I work with some freaking amazing people from the Philippines, who I now luckily get to call life-long friends. Not only that, but that little lady above, third pic down, was my first family introduction into the FILIPINO WAY and now I will always consider myself a little Filipina. Mabuhay!<br />
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So let's move on to the WOO WOO stuff<u><br /></u>
<u>Integrative based explanation:</u> Science is starting to come around to the fact that the mind/body/spirit are all interrelated and my alternative theory may sound absurd but no less absurd than two fruitcake lead weights throwing shit around their kitchen...means it may in fact be the most plausible explanation.<br />
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I remember my very first panic attack quite clearly. I was studying for a Freshman History exam in my UND Fulton hall dorm room when I shot out of bed with an absolute certainty that I couldn't breathe and needed to be driven to the nearest emergency room. Kristi drove me. Thanks, Kap.<br />
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Obviously when I got to the ER I couldn't really explain what the hell was wrong with me so I just told them I thought I was about to die and then they asked if I had just done a bunch of drugs. NOPE. (But sure sounds like I have, doesn't it!)<br />
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Ever since this first episode, anxiety has always been closely tied to my breath. But what does this mean, especially in this current context? I don't really want to go on the preemptive defense but can we all agree that there is scientific proven fact that stress manifests itself within our bodies? Stress is an emotion. Emotions and your mental well-being (whether you're processing things) impacts the cells of your body. <br />
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So what does the lung mean? It literally is the act of breathing....of LIVING. You are consciously taking in life during every breath you take. When we breathe we value our right to exist in this world and therefore take ownership of our life and actions. Lungs mean openness to new ideas, positive self image, letting go and just allowing things to take place. Well guess what didn't take place on Thursday and a full-fledged lung-wielding meltdown manifested itself in epic proportions on Friday? My well-laid out plans for this new trial.<br />
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So in SUMMARY, I'm bat shit scared of life, not feeling good enough or worthy enough or gosh do people even LIKE ME? But don't we all? I think the difference is that some people are better at processing these insecurities and releasing them back out of their metaphysical spheres. I harbor and hoard shit like cray, so I get why I keep re-visiting things. But this is my time now to clean out some junk. Let's get that shitty energy and those feelings of insecurity out of our bodies and make room for some good stuff. So here's to shots of O2 tomorrow and transitioning from fear and anxiety to love.<br />
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Me love you lung time!<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17749128624123288576noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31124784483043756.post-62865864002538835242018-12-17T09:58:00.000-08:002018-12-17T17:13:39.394-08:00You are so much stronger than you think you areBELIEVE me when I say this!! The fallout of hospital stays is that you get to know some people going through some similar life-shattering-earth-quaking-Armageddon type SHIT. All of course, via, shared rooms (with curtain dividers - come on America).<br />
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During these crossed paths, however brief they may be, you get to know a little bit about your neighbor going through a similar journey and heck it may remind you of the beginning of yours and maybe what you would have told your own self back then.<br />
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There is so no doubt the tenor of fear that permeates the room and the conversations. "Who will take care of this? What will the pain be like? How do you think he's handling this?" Everyone is doing their best to micro-manage a situation that just can't be micromanaged. But that's totally understandable, it's human nature! We need a plan, how the hell do we get out of this long bloody tunnel.<br />
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One thing I wish I would've told myself and all of these people around me going through these personal catastrophes...is that YOU ARE STRONG. I want you to know from the very depths of your soul that whatever is in there to get you through this, is in there. You've F'ing got this. Yes, there are ancillary things here - doctors, family, schedules, timing... and having some semblance of a schedule is great, but YOU ALONE ARE STRONG ENOUGH. It's all within you. You can do this. Dig down...find that place. It exists in all of us. Remember that one time, you didn't think you were going to make it....<br />
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You did! You got through it and right now you're standing on the other side and you should be prouder than shit of yourself. You were born human. You are a born fighter. You came here for an experience and this is what you chose. Do it, live it, learn it. This is scary and life-upending...but you will get through this. It's part of who you are. It's making you who you are. EMBRACE IT. </div>
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If there is one thing that this entire experience has taught me is that people are freaking beautiful creatures. As I started writing this entry and the woman across the curtain divider sat tearfully with her worried, loving husband speaking about their coming week and the pain that may be involved, the nurse working with them shared a story about how she became a nurse. She said she underwent one of the biggest operations of her life right before she entered nursing school. She said she carried that pain at the most basic level and empathy from that experience with her through with her 18 years of school and experience. She said she knows what patients are asking when they want to know what it will be like to have the sutures removed or bandages off. My neighbor became tearful again but for a different reason. It was because she only wanted to be validated in her fears and she was finally being told that someone understood. And that someone loved her enough to explain that to her in order to take some of that fear away. That nurse performed alchemy right there on the spot. She transformed that woman's fear to love in an instant. She turned that dark into light and light/love heals. It made me cry. But that light and love was always in that woman's heart, she just needed to see it for herself and the nurse helped her flip the switch. </div>
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People will never fail to amaze me. </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17749128624123288576noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31124784483043756.post-58433929493485299062018-12-14T20:53:00.000-08:002018-12-14T20:53:28.907-08:00Dumbo...is that you?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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By the way, does everyone know that a live action version of Dumbo is expected out in March. I can't even listen to the song, let alone watch a LIVE BABY/CGI baby elephant weep for his mom. SOUL CRUSHING.<br />
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That aside:<br />
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Couldn't breathe today, which is super annoying when you need to breathe to live and stuff. So we headed into urgent care for some facial-esque mask wear which delivers steroids to your lungs to help those little Betty's out a bit.<br />
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Although I was pretending I was simply undergoing a state of the art high tech medspa facial, I was unfortunately and unbeknownst to me channeling Dumbo.<br />
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I, however, was not crying for my mother outside her circus trailer. I instead sent her home to my own circus for some much needed rest. She reaches a point throughout the days where she starts to misplace her phone about every 1.75 seconds and after finding it under a small coffee table in a waiting room we surmised that we had passed this particular point in this current day by about 300 hours.<br />
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Here is an adorable snap of Irving, a fellow resident dog of our apartment which we get to see on occasion and had the luck of running into him on our way into the hospital. Mom has picked up the habit of chasing him around with her pockets full of dog treats. (Don't blame her).<br />
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He's a bit under the weather too after a certain appendage was recently removed...<br />
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So yesterday was weird and I definitely felt mentally off for much of the remainder. Sometimes, I think days like today will follow as a way for my body to catch up to the "news" or just start acting like a toddler dickhead and blow off some steam about why it's pissed. I'll allow it. I get it. Just eventually pull yourself back together and move forward.<br />
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So anyway, that's the game plan for tomorrow.<br />
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HAPPY FRIDAY NIGHT FREEEEAAAKS<br />
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-Rach<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17749128624123288576noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31124784483043756.post-40576375708230010472018-12-13T13:36:00.001-08:002018-12-13T13:36:17.216-08:00A Sea of Changes...or just stepping back up onto the struggle bus - limbo land (I'm a frequent traveler) <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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You may or may not be privy to this information, but I have a sixth sense/am psychic/ have ESP - call it what you want, but I've got it. I've known about this first superhuman power of mine at quite an early age but no one started believing me until I started predicting my friends pregnancies through dreams. Seriously...they all came true (sometimes before my friends even knew). That's your fun fact for the day, so how does it relate to my day? <div>
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Well...I've had a sneaking suspicion since about 1 am last night that the name of the game today was going to be "you're off the study". Sometimes, because I'm so amazing with all with my superhuman abilities I start to actually think I've created these situations just by allowing them to enter my mind. I don't necessarily think this is the case, it's just my mega overdrive desire to control something. ANYTHING. But now I must return to the land of "allowing" and trust the process. We'll get there in one way or another with a buried lesson ripe for the picking.<br /><div>
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BUT STILL, it's no fun to be told to get off the bus or out of the line. After the standard bloodwork and results I was told that although some of Lil's numbers have improved, there were a couple that haven't and these protocols are sure strict about adhering to DATA. Plus, I don't want to harm my little Lil if she's not up for it. Nicole, however, has suggested that I start speaking to her in Urdu because maybe she doesn't understand English. (Worth a try). It's okay little lady Lil, we'll get there. Just take your time and when you're feeling loved and appreciated we'll give you some even better chances to shine.<br /><div>
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Anyway, when the EDD doc came in this morning she said because of my enzyme levels "we wouldn't be able to dose you today anyway". All I kept hearing in the back of my mind was: "NO SOUP FOR YOU!" </div>
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NEXT!!!</div>
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So, no more stem cell soup du jour... </div>
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Well, fine Lady. I don't want any damn soup today anyway. </div>
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We don't really know what's going on with Lil, but the goal is to get her back on track. She's fiery and angry for some reason and we need to create the perfect conditions for which she can heal and right now, she's just not there. So while we get her there, my superhuman powers are telling me an even better immunotherapy/immunocology trial will be ready for her when she's ready....Or HELL maybe this current new drug will be approved! (Happens all the time here at MSKCC). <a href="https://www.mskcc.org/blog/first-targeted-cancer-drug-approved-based-mutation-rather-tumor-type" target="_blank">https://www.mskcc.org/blog/first-targeted-cancer-drug-approved-based-mutation-rather-tumor-type</a></div>
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So it's back to Limbo Land for the time being. We all know how much I love living in limbo land. I even hate the stupid limbo game at weddings!</div>
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Who invented this and thought it would be fun? Let me tell you the types of people who DO NOT find ducking under short sticks a jolly good time to have at weddings...PEOPLE WITH SHORT LEGS!</div>
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All those bruises on the back of my head.</div>
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This is the part where I find out who I am. Can I embrace this uncertainty and trust the process? Of course I can. I can do anything I put my mind to (especially now with these post-radiation superhuman abilities). I'm entering into a state of allowing and will embrace this new journey because it's meant to teach me something about myself I've yet to discover. Rachel is already pretty amazing so I'm excited what else I'll discover along this journey. By the way, I hope you all tell yourself some of this stuff on a daily basis. Just because I'm going through some heavy shit doesn't mean I'm any more amazing than every single one of you. You all have so much brilliance beauty and love within you, find the time to tap into it. Because once you do, you get to share it with the world and what a way to make it a breathtakingly beautiful place to live. </div>
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And now I get to share some of this breathtaking magic that just happened in this very moment. My Madre and I have been sitting at MSKCC all day waiting for meds/appointments, etc. We've been in a quiet corner of one of the floors separated by about 100 feet from a family that just got some amazing news that her cancer is gone. We didn't want to intrude, but shared loving glances their way. My Mom remarked that this was the first time she had ever experienced something like that. I told her that this will be us soon enough and to pull some of that excited, loving, grateful energy our way.</div>
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As the family gathered their things and made their way to the elevators, the woman, who is now cancer free made her way over to us and said that this will happen for us too. I know it will. Thank you.</div>
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Life is beautiful. </div>
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(Still not high, don't worry)</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17749128624123288576noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31124784483043756.post-44713773732640011432018-12-12T20:29:00.001-08:002018-12-12T20:29:37.150-08:00Operation brain ninja infiltration mission completeFirst of all, I can't begin to thank all of you absolute heroes for the inundation of laser beam shark pictures I received yesterday morning. Now, all you have to do is google my name and one appears in all his glory.<br />
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Let's make this shit happen.<br />
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In all seriousness though, I actually kind of joked with Dr. Beal, head of <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "gotham ssm a" , "gotham ssm b" , "helvetica neueu" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">stereotactic radiosurgery,</span> about buying one of these machines after she was curious about how my Spanish language was coming today and I shit you not - she laughed and didn't outright dismiss the idea. WHAT!?? There is some Illuminati stuff happening here. THEY KNOW SOMETHING WE DON'T KNOW. (Lindsay - please give me a call).<br />
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But seriously, I'm feeling oddly melancholy about relinquishing my daily dose of brow defining beautiful beaming waves of high dose energy to my mainframe. I would start the morning with green goodness and then gear myself up for some loving brain energy.<br />
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Sometimes I would feel like I were walking about of an intense facial. I actually said this once or twice and the radiation oncology techs at MSKCC think I'm legitimately insane. I think I'm okay with this.<br />
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Per usual, I'm still picking up the occasional superhuman ability and have now mastered Schumannโs Toccata in C Major Op. 7.<br />
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However, I'm still on hand for any one-off interpretation sessions. Piano mastery lessons can be add-on but should be billed separately. I take card, checks, money order or non-refundable investments TO MY HIGH BEAM RADIATION MACHINES.<br />
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Tomorrow will be a day filled with appointments about the new path forward and whether Lil will be in her right condition to make the most of the stem cell magic syrup. We shall see and I'll keep ya'll posted. I gave her some acupuncture love today so I'm hoping she comes around.<br />
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As always, I'm overwhelmed by the loving messages, positive vibes and pictures of your one-eyed, side-eye-giving dogs that I receive as I prepare to tackle these days head. Couldn't do any of this without every single one of you. Especially you, Tomba. <br />
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Love you all so much,<br />
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๐๐<br />
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-RachAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17749128624123288576noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31124784483043756.post-5206500534276480752018-12-11T17:31:00.000-08:002018-12-11T18:48:54.870-08:00I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads!<br />
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Well round two sure seems to be off to another BOOMING (or shall I saw BEAMING) SUCCESS.<br />
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I've NOW picked up the ability to speak several more languages and am genuinely considering offering my services to the language interpretation program at MSKCC.<br />
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Please schedule your appointment with me today. </div>
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I just can't help but thinking that these doctors are ON TO SOMETHING and I've never been more excited to attach frickin laser beams to the heads of sharks and see where this business venture could take us!! Accepting all angel investors. Sam, can you help with my business plan? If you haven't already, I'm assuming you'll be responding in the following manner:<br />
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Well, that wraps the fun for the day. Tomorrow will be the third and final day of laser beaming bliss. I'll spend the morning in an acupuncture session getting little liver Lilith back on track so that we can come up with a game plan for whether she can tackle the stem cell infusions or whether we need to change things up at all.<br />
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Things are still somewhat up in the air about keeping me on the trial and I've been slightly struggling, again, with this cloud of uncertainty hanging over the room, my mood and my clarity about what each new day brings. But I'm learning to slowly step-back and just allow. I think one of my big lessons is to stop micro-managing [HI, MOM, AM I RELATED TO YOU AT ALL?]. As long as you have a goal in mind, it doesn't matter the various ways in which you reach this goal. There will be ups and downs and dead-ends and unexpected potholes (Sarah/Ann, I'll never be able to think about potholes without conjuring nightmares of that drive across Costa Rica)...BUT...trust the process. (We eventually made it to Luna Lodge!) You will get there as long as that conviction is strong in your heart. Then, one day looking back on some of those potholes or dead-ends, you realize they were essential in getting you to exactly where your heart was telling you to go, along with all the learning it needed to receive along the way. [Key learning from the Cost Rica car ride is that Ann has an extreme case of misophonia with random car noises..lolol.]<br />
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Also just a disclaimer because I feel like a lot of these posts buoy between some weird type of off-the cuff existentialism and epic bants. I swear to god, I'm not on a shit ton of drugs (wouldn't mind if I were) but this writing has been incredibly therapeutic and is coming from quite a profound place of clarity...thanks to the RADIATION MAYBE??? I just keep having these visions of smuggling external radiation beam machines to the OZARKS and calling DEL! Who's in!?<br />
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Anyway, my purpose here is two fold. 1) Help me process this journey in a meaningful way and 2) keep you amazing network of humans up to date. It's been an interesting jaunt into the world of journaling and the love and support I have received thus far has made it all incredibly worth it.<br />
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I heart all of you so much<br />
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๐๐<br />
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-Rach<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17749128624123288576noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31124784483043756.post-34304103935502919142018-12-10T18:10:00.000-08:002018-12-10T18:45:50.611-08:00Guys...Radiation to your Brain is FRICKING SWEET... Beam me up, ScottyExcuse me, Sir...I'll have another.<br />
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I woke up to an onslaught of messages from you magical people sprinkling your words of encouragement into my morning moments. Aunt Vicki sent a list of meaningful phrases to describe me and out of that list I chose "Fierce" to set the tone of the day. Of course I threw in an adjective because I'm not one to waste a good alliteration. (Shut those eyes, Enid...and let's have a F'ing Fierce day!)</div>
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I am little, I am fierce and I am brave but I'm not going to pretend I wasn't ravaged by fear this morning waking up knowing that laser beams were going to be shot into my head. Ever since that Sunday night in the ER after hearing these rogue cells went on some secret mission inside my brain, I've felt so out of touch with reality and in such a deep fog. It's been hard connecting memories back to particular recent events. Granted, I'm fairly certain this is a common coping mechanism but it feels weird to be so separate from myself. </div>
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Well let me tell you the ultimate solution: SEND SOME SWEET LASER BEAMS INTO YOUR BRAIN! Granted, I was a bit out of it for an hour or so after the appointment but after arriving home and relaxing the last few hours the most insane mental clarity has washed over me. INSANE, I TELL YOU, INSANE. Or maybe they hit the wrong activator button and I received a lobotomy instead and am now actually insane. Some of you may vocalize whether there is a real difference. (MEH) </div>
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Anyway, I don't know what this means, I obviously don't know the science behind this clarity or whether we could tell already that it's working but I don't need the answers. I have this feeling and it feels amazing and I just wanted you all to know this. I'm holding on to it, instilling it into my being and sure as hell looking forward to going back for round two and three tomorrow and Wednesday.</div>
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One interesting side affect however is that I've picked up the ability to speak Rukwangali, a northeast dialect spoken mainly in Namibia. So that's cool. I kind of want to pick up one of these radiation machines and start a super sonic laser beaming business!!</div>
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As always, thanks for the love, light, messages and beauty continually sent my way. </div>
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I love you,</div>
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๐๐</div>
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-Rach</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17749128624123288576noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31124784483043756.post-21195691325389689912018-12-09T17:26:00.000-08:002018-12-09T17:26:05.019-08:00A Nostalgic SundayNew York is magical and I'm so fortunate to have found a home in this City over the years. One of my absolute favorite abodes was 252 Mott Street living with my two crazy Greek soul sisters.<br />
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Our apartment exited directly adjacent to St. Patrick's Old Cathedral and during my residency at 252 Mott, I would spend an occasional hour within the Cathedral's breathtaking walls.<br />
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In the spirit of nostalgia we spent another hour within those walls today and like most things these days it feels as if the sermon were prepared and delivered with me directly in mind. There will be peaks and valleys in our lives. There may be a step back along the way but as long as there are two forwards then we are heading in the right direction. Tomorrow will be a two-step day in that direction. </div>
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Love you guys,</div>
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๐๐</div>
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-Rach</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17749128624123288576noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31124784483043756.post-19622315771558100212018-12-08T16:32:00.000-08:002018-12-08T16:32:41.755-08:00Shall we back it up a bit? PSA - "If you see something, say something"So I'm stealing a frequently used Public Service Announcement from the New York City Metro Transit Authority (MTA) - it goes "If you see something, say something." They're alerting fellow metro riders about suspicious packages, events or situations which would likely create in a person a sense of potential danger ahead or a feeling that something is "off". If you see a bag under a seat with no apparent owner, the goal is to get you to tell an MTA officer about it. They'll go check it out, clear it and then move on with their day. Hey, guess what!?? I have a novel idea! Let's use this same alert mechanism with our OWN BODIES!<br />
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Although many of you had some inklings into what I've been dealing with over the last three years, I have done a TREMENDOUS job of covering this crap up. But one of the most rewarding/cathartic things about starting to write this shit out is that it's 1) helping me process these traumatic events and even better 2) It can help ALERT another fellow passenger on this ride called life that if they "see something, they should say something!"<br />
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One of the hardest things for me to process over the years was how other people would process my news themselves. Strangers, particularly, because it would shock the hell out of them after hearing I was in my mid-thirties. I don't blame them, it fucking shocked me too. But what was worse is that I would then witness a sense of fear rising behind their eyes. Could they have potentially overlooked some symptoms that could lead to a diagnosis like this? Or even worse, what if one of their own family members is ignoring some strange things when they should be saying something.<br />
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I'm going to keep this post pretty "PSA-centered" and not launch into why I actually think I manifested cancer because even though it's sounds crazy I'm pretty confident I know why. Let's save that for another entry because it will be another tangential ride into the mind/body/spirit world to do so. I'd like to keep this post in the body sphere so that some of you reading this can relieve some fears or if needed "say something, if you see something."<br />
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So, if you do one important thing in your life, do this and: LISTEN TO YOUR BODY. Love yourself enough to stop and listen to YOU. You are the most important thing in your own universe. When something isn't right, your body will tell you. It may start out by telling you with emotional/spiritual hints and when you keep ignoring those, it will manifest physically. Those physical manifestations may not be huge bolts of lighting. They may be little bouts of discomfort here or there, but don't ignore. Note it, then move on and see if it reappears later. Hell, use your damn notepad in your iphone.<br />
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My cancer manifested in my butt so I'm going to go ahead and talk about poop now. Sorry, for those of you that can't handle it but I don't think you should stop reading either because everyone f'ing shits. I'm fairly certain most people have seen a faint color of blood in the pot or on the paper and not gone to jump off a cliff thinking they have butt cancer. Most will chalk it up to a little tear or too much fiber or...(just kidding, let's keep this PG). Anyway, if this keeps happening let's jot a little note down and keep track of when it happens again.<br />
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Guess what I did!?? I IGNORED THAT SHIT (literally/figuratively) SO HARD. Enter, Standard Rachel Self-Defense Mechanism. If there is something in my life that may be potentially painful or fearful, I do my absolute best to ignore, or even better, pretend it didn't happen. Throughout school, law school and even the damn bar exam I was ALWAYS the LAST person to check the grades!! Even when I had a pretty good feeling I did well. Why am I so scared of myself? Well, a good number of you could probably answer this, but let's move on.<br />
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So eventually, I did start bringing up this blood situation to a couple practitioners in New York during exams. They explained it away with all the rhetoric I had already told myself...diet, tear, etc. PERFECT...I can continue my modus operandi of IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE. What else was there left to do then? I followed the PSA - I saw something and said something, and that's it, I've done my part. Not so fast, lady. I knew deep down, something intuitively wasn't right. Looking back I'm not entirely sure what I would have done differently, maybe other than flat out lie and tell the doc that colorectal cancer runs in my family, because it just so happens that IT DOES....STARTING WITH ME! No one expects this type of cancer to crop up in someone my age (more on that below) so I do not blame a single soul or think an early diagnosis was part of my journey.<br />
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Anyway, a biopsy was eventually performed and we know the events as they have now unfolded. Once the severity of the situation was revealed, this chica below ("our lady of the...") knew exactly what to do...<br />
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and finagled her connections at Memorial Sloan Kettering to get me an appointment in a matter of days. That's another big intuitive piece of advice I have for people. If your first doc doesn't "get you" then switch that shit up fast. Your doc has to be on your "mind/body/spirit" team and if any of those components don't align then trust your instincts (yet again...hearing a theme yet?). Well the first oncologist I saw outside of MSKCC instilled such a great sense of fear and dread in me that I knew I would not be speaking to him again. Do you want to know one of the first things he did when meeting me? He started combing through my hair to see how chemo would potentially affect it. WHAT DUDE!??? Get out of oncology and go into hairdressing if that is your primary concern here. He also somewhat belittled my bequests to start fertility preservation at Weill Cornell prior to the start of any kind of toxic therapy. He said something to the effect that he didn't know if I should be concerned with family planning at this time. Haha, that's when I said: BYE GUY.<br />
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Enter Doctor Andrea Cercek who has been my saving grace. <a href="https://www.mskcc.org/cancer-care/doctors/andrea-cercek" target="_blank">https://www.mskcc.org/cancer-care/doctors/andrea-cercek</a>. We clicked immediately. She walked into the room, sat down next to me, looked genuinely in my eyes and asked so simply yet lovingly "how was I doing"? She understood me at such a deep level and does to this day. I feel like she knows the best way to deliver news to me and to keep things upbeat. She's got my survival at her stake and that is why she was more than happy to forego a couple weeks of treatment so that I could engage Weill Cornell with fertility preservation. She wants me to live and have babies someday, yay! It was a wonderful experience and I would recommend this program to anyone interested in IVF for whatever reason. <a href="https://ivf.org/fertility-preservation" target="_blank">https://ivf.org/fertility-preservation</a>. I've got a loving little army of eggs in a fridge over there waiting for me should I ever need.<br />
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Dr. Cercek is also on the cutting edge of figuring out what the freak is happening with the stats on young adults developing advanced stages of this disease. <a href="https://www.mskcc.org/clinical-updates/msk-s-new-center-focus-alarming-increase-colorectal-cancer-young" target="_blank">https://www.mskcc.org/clinical-updates/msk-s-new-center-focus-alarming-increase-colorectal-cancer-young</a>. These MSKCC angels, along with all of you are part of my dream team and I am honestly in the best hands I could ever ask for.<br />
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So there is the story folks. The last thing I want to do in this post is instill any kind of fear in any of you. Don't become a hypochondriac. But do listen to that little voice every now and then when it's trying to tell you something. We've all got it right there in our limbic system, the oldest part of our brain. Is this how the universe communicates with us? I'm not so sure, yet. But I've decided to listen to this voice a little closer or maybe just listen to Rachel a bit better in general. I should probably care about what she wants to do or what is making her happy, right? Is our intuition simply redirecting us to finding our true happiness?<br />
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As always, thank you for sending your love and support, it is so magical.<br />
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๐๐ - RachAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17749128624123288576noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31124784483043756.post-45720954032563831482018-12-07T06:33:00.001-08:002018-12-07T16:47:18.477-08:00Come on Lilith My little liver, Lilith, I love you so much. Letโs get our shit together this morning so I can order round DOS of my lovely stem cell java. Youโre overly analytical at times, but thatโs okay. Itโs because youโre connected to me. Just sit back, donโt overthink and allow.<br />
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Well, Lil you're moving in the right direction and those enzymes are coming down but you're taking your lovely sweet time which is how I know you're definitely related to me. It's okay, I won't rush you. Take this time, because it must be important. Let's take this weekend to unwind, refresh, recoup and get ready to redo some blood work Monday morning. Next week will be a big one as we get ready to tackle the brain ninjas and come up with a plan for when Lilith will be able to handle her next dose of stem cell magic. </div>
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As customary, my type-A personality struggles with these game-time changes. Like any type of player, you get ready for the game by pre-planning and visualizing. I do that for these important appointments and so when things don't go to plan I feel a bit lost. Yet, here again, in these moments of uncertainty the universe knows exactly what I need and it triggers my Mom to randomly come across a picture of her Dad and calls her to forward it on to me. </div>
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Hi, Grandpa. Thank you for reminding me that game-time changes are just fine and we don't need to know the how or why right now, but there is a plan and it's working. I love you.</div>
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-Rach</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17749128624123288576noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31124784483043756.post-22913223327668303282018-12-06T19:27:00.000-08:002018-12-06T19:27:40.859-08:00Love Heals<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
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<span style="background-color: white;">After only a two day foray into the world of journaling have I actually figured it all out? The meaning of life? Why we are really here? Let's be real, this isn't a "dear diary blog"...this is soul-shaking stuff and I've been ripped open (along with my family) from the seams.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">What does it mean to be human, to exist in this physical place? Why didn't we decide to stay in that ethereal glorious place of unconditional love where our bodies are not muddied down by pain and endless to-do lists? Could it be so simple? Could it be to experience what it means to love in the human form? </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">There are no words to capture what I have felt since sharing my story other than to say that love truly HEALS. I have been wrapped in the most magical blanket of love, light and absolute magnificence. The crazy thing is, it isn't just the outpouring of words, calls, hugs, kisses, messages, etc. - I can actually FEEL the energy and light coming down onto me and it's the most incredible feeling in the world. I want to wrap every single one of you in this blanket of love! </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">So let's go on then, I actually want to give it a try. Come on guys! You have to humor me here. And just like I know most everything (shut up Dan) I know for a fact that this will work, because the breathtaking love that you have sent to me existed in you first. It came from the beauty of your soul, when seeing another soul in need. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">So, here we go. Please sit back, close your eyes and focus on a beaming beautiful stream of light flowing from the crown of your head. Streaming, so full of warmth and expansion and beauty and finding it's way into your heart. Open your heart as you start to feel that loving energy move throughout the rest of your body, flowing outwards down your chest, through your legs, arms, out of your hands, enveloping every single cell along the way. As you feel this warmth wash over you, tell yourself how much you are loved. You are a magnificent creature deserving of so much love. Tell yourself thank you, thank you for tapping into that love when another human was in need. Rachel wants you to know how grateful she is that your beautiful soul found it's way into her world and is helping her in a time of need. You are beautiful and so incredibly loved. </span><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17749128624123288576noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31124784483043756.post-46401557230599919802018-12-06T11:39:00.000-08:002018-12-06T11:39:23.521-08:00Quick update for today - slight delay for round Two of MSC-1One of my liver enzymes was a tad high today so the team thought it best to re-do my blood work tomorrow and postpone treatment by a day. I'm on a lot of drugs right now, so that's likely the cause of the increase but they're being cautious because you wouldn't want to add an infusion to an already potentially compromised liver. Smart, right? These guys must be doctors or something. We attorneys just file shit and worry about it later....shhh don't tell.<br />
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But don't turn off those magical love vibes, just save them for tomorrow! These little tweaks to the schedule always cause me a bit of trepidation but I know deep down in that all knowing place that this was supposed to happen today for some reason.<br />
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I've had a loving chat with my little liver (let's call her Lilith) who has promised to get her act together for tomorrow so that we can receive some healing stem cell love bath.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17749128624123288576noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31124784483043756.post-50790519557412896142018-12-05T20:12:00.001-08:002018-12-05T20:12:32.694-08:0012/6/2018 - Day Two of MSC-1 Infusion - send those healing vibes<br />
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Just a quick update and a request for some loving/healing vibes as I embark upon my second infusion of MSC-1 tomorrow morning. The first round went well, so I don't foresee any issues but these days are always filled with a bit of anxiety so the love and calming energy you send will do wonders for allowing my mind to relax and my body to allow some good healing conditions to take place from within.<br />
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I want to share a few links to this study because the science behind this protocol is absolutely fascinating.<br />
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<li><a href="https://www.mskcc.org/cancer-care/clinical-trials/18-079" target="_blank">https://www.mskcc.org/cancer-care/clinical-trials/18-079</a></li>
<li><a href="http://ascopubs.org/doi/abs/10.1200/JCO.2018.36.15_suppl.TPS2602" target="_blank">http://ascopubs.org/doi/abs/10.1200/JCO.2018.36.15_suppl.TPS2602</a></li>
<li><a href="https://www.bizjournals.com/chicago/businesswire/press_releases/Illinois/2018/04/16/20180416006046" target="_blank">https://www.bizjournals.com/chicago/businesswire/press_releases/Illinois/2018/04/16/20180416006046</a></li>
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The interesting part of this new drug is that it focuses on molecular components of the cancer cells which have found ways to suppress my own immuno response to their threat. This drug stops the cells from suppressing my own immune response and re-opens, re-invigorates the environment most optimal for healing. </div>
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Throughout this journey I feel like I've been blindly chasing this ever-evading environment for optimal healing to take place but it's always just been a bit out of reach. When I mean healthy environment, I mean all aspects of myself as a human - mind/body and soul. There was always one or two that felt a tad out of sync. But recently there has been a massive shift in my thinking and maybe it came with my radical acceptance of this diagnosis. I've felt so much more focused, inspired, loved, supported and protected than I think I ever have. It's as if all of the factors are lining up for the most perfect environment of healing to take place. </div>
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I feel good. I hope you do too. I'll be drinking my juice in the morning on the way into the infusion and will keep you posted as we move into the weekend. </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17749128624123288576noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31124784483043756.post-6807533053747005422018-12-05T14:35:00.001-08:002018-12-05T14:35:40.393-08:00Calling GrandpaThis next post is going to launch us into some territory that some of my analytical/law school/logic-minded friends may find perplexing. But that's okay. All I ask here is for an open mind and a supportive mind-set. When I say things that may not be based in logic/proven fact please don't try to dissuade, ridicule or discredit. As human beings we are beautiful composites of all of our experiences intertwined together. No two experiences are alike and one does not invalidate the other just because it is different. It came into your life and has made you a part of who you are.<br />
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So there is my long-winded disclaimer, now shut up and take a seat. This story will involve MANY an anecdote to get us to where we need to be. The first and critical component of this story begins with Grandpa Larry.<br />
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Some of you will know who Grandpa is, but many of you will not and there is just no way to properly put him into words. One description that was just about as close as you could get was to describe him as the complete and perfect embodiment of love. He was actually love personified. Now imagine what that felt like to be around him, it was pure joy. He loved every soul so perfectly and flawlessly, whether they were his beloved daughters, his beautiful wife, his grandchildren and great-grandchildren, a stranger on a park bench or a tiny deer whose mother had been hit by a train and needed a new home.<br />
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Obviously my news affected Grandpa in quite a heavy manner and he scoured all corners of the internet to find me my cure. Little did he know just how active a participant he may be in this cure. At 93 years of age, Grandpa's cute little body, so full of life and love had started to slow down and his mind and spirit began contemplating the next transition. Although his health would waiver on occasion there was a promise that he made me that he was steadfast in keeping. On October 22nd, 2016, Grandpa helped walk me down the aisle with my Dad. (A tradition that is shared among our cousins to honor the father/grand-father figure he has always represented in our lives).<br />
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As we arrived at the alter Grandpa Larry turned to me and began to read a type-written note that he had prepared. He started with some of his fondest, earliest memories of me and how blessed he was to be there and a part of those memories. He fast forwarded through family trips and life milestones, re-affirming again that he has always been there. His message was that he was always there and he would always continue to be there for me. He wanted me to know that no matter what happened to him that I could always call upon him and he would be there for me. I knew this then and I know that now more than ever.<br />
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When Grandpa transitioned to the other realm at the end of January of this year I didn't feel the overwhelming sense of loss that I originally anticipated I may have felt. I actually became more connected to him and we started back-up with our witty weekly chats. He passed away about a week before I began a very intense round of in-patient immunotherapy (another pesky trial where things can go awry so they keep you closely monitored). I was quite apprehensive to begin and almost relieved to know that Grandpa was on the other side keeping a close eye on me "always there." I spoke to him frequently during that time and could feel his presence wash over me whenever I became too anxious.<br />
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Over the last several months, Grandpa and I have kept a strong dialogue. Sometimes I'll call on him when needed and there are others where he just shows up out of the blue because he can sense something. One of those times was a couple of months ago as I was getting ready for a CT scan. In the medical community the lead-up time before you enter the CT machine is coined "scan-xiety" because it creates such an intense mix of fear and emotions. But I'm sort of a pro by now, so I was doing my best to relax and was involved in a heart meditation as they called me back. I wasn't anxious so I didn't necessarily call for Grandpa but as I was walking back I could feel a sense of pure joy and calm wash over me. As they lifted me onto the machine and the electromagnetic waves started their loud pulsating I slowly closed my eyes and immediately saw Grandpa's face. It wasn't the face from the last year which wasn't his typical healthy demeanor. It was the face I was accustomed to while growing up. A round, slightly reddish tint to his skin with a small amount of stubble on his cheeks, which I could feel when I leaned over to kiss him. He gave me his big beaming smile with a bit of a chuckle at the back of his throat and he squeezed my hands as tight as he could. I could actually feel the warmth in my hands. Tears started pouring down my cheeks because it felt so good to receive a Grandpa Larry kiss and hug again. I was so enmeshed in absolute and pure love that it felt like if someone had renamed milk to love and it was being poured all over my body.<br />
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I rushed out of the exam that day to call my mom sobbing (in a good way) to recount the miraculous visit I had just had with Grandpa. I wanted to be sure she tell the rest of the family of my encounter so they could find peace in it as well. I think he visited this day because he knew the results of that scan would not be great and that new changes were on the horizon leading to some uncertain times. He wanted to remind me that he is still here and will always continue to be. </div>
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Fast forward to a week ago where the ground was literally pulled from under us again with the news that these rogue cells are going up for some kind of a sneak peak inside my brain. Who does that?? That shit is off-limits, no one needs to know what's going on up there, let alone some defector butt cells. I guess though, it all comes full-circle, I've always had shit for brains. </div>
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Well when the world comes crashing down, your angel warriors enter, and that she did. She will ever be known as "our lady of the farts" by me and her loving husband, having endured her relentless pregnancy gas "it's the baby! it's not me!" Anyway, you can call her by any loving name you like, Christina, Tina, Tuna, Tunaki, etc. She's my person, my best friend and personal/spiritual/junkie savior through all of this earth shattering shit. I know for certain we were always have meant to live this life together and I am no doubtful alive right now because of her. She has an innate ability to triage and know what to do in emergency situations, she's part Greek and highly insane which I think helps bring her balance. </div>
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As I laid there in the ER with my Mom and Christina, I felt as sense of a breaking of reality. I think this is quite common in high intense situations, where bits of you break apart and go sneaking out into the universe. So I shared this insight with them. It was if I was living two complete separate realities. One was this original fear version of myself (if you recall I could sense an ever-growing sense of anxiety/fear creeping into my psyche over the last few weeks) that version of me would be bound to this train driven by the fear engineer into darkness and horrible possibilities and all of those racing thoughts that accompany that mindset. However, the other version of me was a complete new reality in which every moment was being actively and beautifully lived in the present, so full of beauty and light, magnificence and love. I, all of a sudden, noticed the ER doc was this young woman from India and her eyes were so radiantly green and piercing and full of compassion and love. I also had trouble connecting these beautiful loving glimpses back into that fear bound state I had just been living in. It's like they didn't match and couldn't be put back together. I obviously didn't want to re-live what the dread was like so I let it go. I didn't think I needed to make a decision at that point in time but without thinking my mind boarded the second lighter, loving, healing train and I felt encompassed in love. Thank you, Grandpa. </div>
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Of course, no state of peace/calm lasts too long in my overly analytical mind and I started to question this latest hammer blow. Was I not learning the lessons I was supposed to learn from this original journey? Why is this happening and what does this next step mean? Guru Christina/Our lady of the farts kicked into full gear and started immediately researching her posy of spiritual/empath/medium friends that may be able to help me process some of this deep shit. </div>
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By the following Tuesday she had lined me up with a Medium. I'm a big believer in mediums, always have been and you definitely don't have to be a spiritual person to be either. If you study energy and quantum mechanics, you know that energy does not die, it simply changes form. This means that the communication between the energy may be different and that is why we need a "medium" to help us communicate. I FaceTimed Melanie from my bedroom on Tuesday morning full of trepidation and excitement and a good dose of fear. I told her right away that I was fearful for speaking to her because I was worried she would be telling me I have a few weeks to live. She said those message very rarely happen and she has only seen it on occasion when it's meant to help the recipient of the message. Right after I had said this she had scribbled down on a piece of paper in all CAPS "NOT TRUE" - meaning I would not only live three more weeks but much much more. If you ever want to scroll on my facebook page through comments from Grandpa Larry, you will see that he speaks often times in ALL CAPS. Loves to get a point across. Right after she noted this remark she said "who is the father/grand-father figure"...well duh, I already knew it was him. Mediums will have their messengers "validate" themselves so that the recipient will know who is giving the message. At this time Melanie asked me why the heck he kept showing her a bunch of dimes? "Do you have some weird thing with dimes, Rachel"? I could feel the tears start to well up as I relayed the story of how my Grandpa Larry met my Grandma Lavina while she was working in a cafe in Turtle Lake, ND as he was a relief agent for the Northern Pacific Railroad. Every day he would come into the cafe where the lovely Lavina worked as a waitress and order a five cent cup of coffee and tip her a dime every single time. He won her heart, they were married and started their beautiful family, which I am a part of. All because of those dimes. </div>
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Once Grandpa validated himself, she was able to give me direct messages from him. He said that I will be just fine and he reiterated almost every word that he had written in the passage he read to me after walking me down the aisle. He said this "stem cell" therapy will be the cure for me. Grandpa had always advocated stem cells for different treatments while he was alive. He had an uncanny instinct that they would be instrumental in his family's healing. Interestingly enough, the new drug protocol I've been enrolled in has the acronym "MSC-1", I had literally no idea until after this session and doing a little more research that SC in that acronym stands for stem cell. WTF</div>
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Melanie brought up the fact that this new drug protocol would be separate from the brain radiation but the radiation (even given some risks involved) is a great and easy option. It would be quick and dealt with and then I could move back on and focus on the systemic new drug protocol and the overall healing. She brought up my "timeline" and said that I won't be going anywhere soon, she sees in 2-3 years that I may struggle with a re-evaluation of medical events, but SHIT that's great! I'll take 3 years compared to 3 weeks!</div>
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I also had a couple of other visitors want to weigh in and say hi! Melanie asked who from my husband's side had passed who had served in the military. Well that would be Granddad George! I had never had the pleasure of meeting this man so full of British wit and love for his family but we honored him at our wedding and for that he was grateful. He told Melanie that Dan and I are soulmates meant to live this life together and we've known each other over many other past lives. Doesn't surprise me given how this English lad kept showing up in my life in all sorts of places. I guess some things are just out of our control. It gave the Dean family some healing peace to know that Granddad Dean is always watching and listening, very much involved in the day to day of our lives and loving us from afar. He's there with you when you sit at his final resting place and recall our family milestones; he's so proud of us all and I am so blessed to have him sending that divine love my way right now. </div>
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A couple other visitors came through to show me their love and support. My Dad had an uncle Gene who I had become close to before he passed. I've often thought about him during the last few years thinking about whether he had any guidance for me. He had a tough life and his message for me was to live each day to the fullest. He was a kind beautiful soul. Another unexpected visitor came through as well. My step-dad Eric's Uncle Jimmy! Like Christina, Jimmy had an array of aliases. He went by "James, Jimmy, Tony, The Rat - lol, seriously". To say Jimmy was a character is one of the grandest understatements made to man. His mother, Celia hailed from Scotland and Jimmy sure enjoyed his scotch and a whole lot of bants. He seemed rough around the edges but was soft serve ice cream on the inside. As a single man in his 70's Jimmy was a favorite local at an Italian dive restaurant in Dilworth, MN. We would often accompany him to family dinners there and during college I saw a job posting, applied and began working as a waitress/bartender during school downtime. We officially solidified our bond during our Dilworth days. James died in his home from emphysema a few years later and he has often times occasionally popped into my head. Last Tuesday, he popped into Melanie's head. "Who is James, or Jimmy? Something about his lungs"? Well, shit, hi Jimmy! I think it shocked the hell out of my step-dad the most! Jimmy wanted to reiterate that I'm on the right path, will get through this pocket and will keep going, they are right here guiding me and protecting me.<br />
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Ever since this session I have never felt so much more protected. I feel like I've got "my guys" up there leading and guiding me and the sense of calm that has stayed with me feels so amazing. That's a big part of why I wanted to follow-up the original post with this one because I want you all to know that given soul shaking developments I am doing just fine. Things may even be starting to finally come together and make some sense.<br />
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Oh, one last visitor note. After Melanie asked about Grandpa, she asked "who has the little girl?" I started to get a bit teary again as I answered back that my sister has the most special little gift that she brought into this world a few short years ago. Melanie said she knew and that the two of us are very connected. Many people don't know this but the day I got a follow-up phone call from my doctor three years ago indicating some cancerous cells from the original biopsy I received a phone call no more than 30 minutes later from my sister. Becca told me she had just taken a pregnancy test that came back as positive. I immediately googled false positive pregnancy tests and let her know that you ARE DEF PREGS DUDE. As I reflected on this news, I started to cry because I knew our souls would forever be linked. Just as she would be striving to survive in her momma's internal sphere, I would be here trying to survive in this external sphere. And look at us now, surviving and thriving together.<br />
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She is my little earthly guardian angel and I'm so grateful to be her auntie. Even at these darkest times, it's crazy how full of love one can be. Is that the human experience our souls are meant to discover? What is love, the power of it, the all-encompassing joy of it? I don't have all the answers yet but I've decided to surrender to this beautiful love and let it wash over me from my friends, family both here on earth and those afar. I hope you do too, because it's beautiful and I love you very very much.<br />
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-Rach</div>
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๐ happy (as an aside - this was Grandpa Larry's motto in life "bee happy" and would frequently sign-off his messages in this manner)</div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17749128624123288576noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31124784483043756.post-68613816498615059672018-12-02T20:11:00.001-08:002018-12-05T18:38:20.790-08:00Well, Shit. Hi guys! What the heck...how did we get here...(yet again). Let's first address the Blog's title. You know me, I love a good alliteration and since the beginning I've called this little C-visitor a journey, but unfortunately I have no J in my name. So we're going with "Rach's remarkable ride" and that it has been. It's like a journey, it comes with ups and downs and crashes along the way, but it also comes with profound beauty and I can't wait to share some of those beautiful glimpses I get to experience during this ride of a lifetime. Plus, I fully intend to change the title of this blog to "Rach's Radical Remission" once most of this rocky part is behind us.<br />
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Moving on, let's also address the second elephant in the room. I have LONG wanted to write and journal about my experience and I knew that it would significantly help those that needed to know so badly what was going on with me. But I wasn't in any way ready for that, and the C-word does a strange thing. It makes you inherently, incredibly selfish..which is GOOD. I put myself and my mind/energy first and knew that with writing an update blog it generated in me a great fear that putting this into words was somehow going to make it true, impossible to beat and would create a more difficult time for me to heal. I know that is no longer the case and processing these events is an essential part of the healing process.<br />
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It has literally taken me three years to say in writing and out loud that I was diagnosed in October 31st, 2015 with stage IV Colorectal cancer which had metastasized to my liver and lungs. Fuck, if that doesn't take your breath away. (also side-note, and third elephant in the room, I'm the most sweary person you've probably ever met. I'm not going to change that about me. That's one thing this ride has taught me more than anything...be completely entirely true to who you are). Unfortunately for me, that comes with a side of swear. I get that I'll have some church ladies that wander their way onto this site and may find themselves offended and for that I apologize, but I most certainly will not change who I am because it may or may not offend someone. So sorry, Enid, if you have to find another way to receive updates. (But I love you regardless, if there is a real Enid out there who is genuinely worried about me :)<br />
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Okay, on to the most recent part of this journey/ride. Because shit just got real and scary pretty fast...again. I'll start with the most recent and then plan to take a few weeks to give you all a full overview of my journey and the different treatments that have been involved because it's just been a fascinating ride and I can't wait to share some of the things I've learned about myself, life and humans along this journey.<br />
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In May, Dan and I moved back "officially" to New York so that I could undergo a new clinical trial through Dr. Cercek at Memorial Sloan Kettering. This treatment involved some chemo, which I wasn't that excited about because no one likes a good dose of barf-inducing brain fog in the mornings. This protocol kept me stable for a while but there were little changes that I was maybe noticing that meant something in my body wasn't fully onboard with this plan. My anxiety started to pick up and while I was home in October I could tell something was off with me and maybe my mind's ability to stay in control. As many of you know, having the right frame of mind during this journey has been the single most important factor for my survival, meaning my survival in all aspects of the mind, body, spirit spectrum. This last October I felt like I was losing ground in one or some of those aspects. You'll hear me talk about this frequently throughout this blog but there are two basic emotions from which all others spring forth. They are fear and love. Recently, I felt like fear was starting to gain ground and of course this catapulted my anxiety to another level.<br />
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I also strongly believe that we need to learn from some of the lessons life hands us or else those lessons will fall back onto us in some form or fashion down the road. Each Fall, especially around October, I re-lived my original diagnosis and specifically this last one I came to the realization that I never processed this traumatic diagnosis. I think I made the mistake originally to try to put an immediate positive spin on this whole episode. I also think there was a lot of shame in this type of diagnosis. People always look for reasons for why cancer happens (diet, exercise, environment, biology) and I was looking at all the ways my body had failed me. It didn't feel good. So I blocked it. A self defense strategy I'm quite familiar with.<br />
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Well, this October I decided to radically accept my diagnosis. What an amazing thing I had just done for myself. I no longer had to deny all of the horrendous things I had been through, the surgeries, the treatments, the horror, the fear, the trauma....from all of which I SURVIVED!! I'm so facking proud of myself. I've done unbelievable things in the last three years and I no longer have to pretend that some of those things didn't happen. There are many reasons we don't process things. But a large part of my inability to do so was to protect my family and friends and all of those people who loved me so deeply who I knew it would shatter their soul to understand the pain, fear and trauma I was living. Part of this radical acceptance lesson was to stop protecting everyone around me. I needed to allow them to help me and experience maybe these difficult things they would be faced with from the act of helping me. Even though I tried to protect a lot of you supporters, you sure got through. I've never felt more loved or full of light in my entire life. One gift of cancer is to see how bright it makes the human soul shine when another soul is in need. F'ing hell, I love you all.<br />
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Okay, let's take things back up to the body sphere. So when I arrived back in New York to start my next new clinical trial on 11/15 I could sense a bit of a change with me. The infusion went well and I'll follow-up with another post about the science behind the protocol, because it's fascinating. But the following day I woke up with a headache. When I woke up the next day with a headache, I called the on-call doc (because it was a weekend) and she had the wherewithal to tell me to come into the ER/urgent care to get a scan to see what exactly is going on. I remember telling my mom that I could tell it was just a migraine because it was accompanied by some weird deja vu symptoms and that they would do the scan, find nothing and send me home with some migraine meds. When the ER doc came down and told me there were spots in my brain, I felt the floor drop from under me. It was as if all of a sudden I was in a whole new reality, a weird one where I had such little control. My mom jumped into the little cot I was on and just gripped me softly saying "we'll get through this, we'll get through this", and I knew then that we would. But this shit was traumatic, it was like re-living the diagnosis all over again and I thought for a second, "had I created this by radically accepting my diagnosis?" No, I hadn't. This was another essential step along my journey that will lead to an even deeper healing. I needed to be broken wide open again in order to allow myself to more completely put all the beautiful pieces back together in just the way they are meant to be. If you get the chance, look up Kintsugi - it's a Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold. Sometimes the broken pieces, when put back together, are even more beautiful than before: <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kintsugi">https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kintsugi</a><br />
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Game plan. So the next obvious question for the doc was "what's next"? At MSKCC they are always so on top of this part of the process. She said she would be communicating with "my team" but I would likely be put in touch with one of the top radiation oncologists at the hospital, Kathryn Beal, and that she is. She specializes in treating brain tumors with stereo-tactic radiosurgery. According to her, these spots are pretty easily treated, respond well, and heal quite nicely which allows my symptoms (like headaches, weird deja vu episodes and potential seizure stuff) to resolve. Yay!<br />
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We also met with my new drug protocol team who assured me that the plan would be to stick with this current protocol and receive the radiation as a supplement of treatment. So we've got one option taking care of the new brain ninjas and one option covering the remaining disease found in my liver/lungs. I'll go forward with my next clinical trial infusion on Thursday this week and start radiation on my noggin starting next Monday.<br />
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<u>Mind/Spirit</u> -so a lot of you are wondering how I'm actually doing and although there have been peaks and valleys to my emotions, I'm actually doing quite well. A lot of crazy/eye-opening/spiritual things have been happening recently and I can't wait to launch into them with you in more detail, but for now you should know that I'm doing just fine. I've got an amazing support system, including both my Mom, Dan, Christina, Oryan, Michaela and everyone near and far who are taking great care of me as we're taking one day at a time.<br />
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Love you all so much, ๐ happy<br />
-Rach<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17749128624123288576noreply@blogger.com34