Thursday, December 13, 2018

A Sea of Changes...or just stepping back up onto the struggle bus - limbo land (I'm a frequent traveler)

You may or may not be privy to this information, but I have a sixth sense/am psychic/ have ESP - call it what you want, but I've got it. I've known about this first superhuman power of mine at quite an early age but no one started believing me until I started predicting my friends pregnancies through dreams. Seriously...they all came true (sometimes before my friends even knew). That's your fun fact for the day, so how does it relate to my day? 

Well...I've had a sneaking suspicion since about 1 am last night that the name of the game today was going to be "you're off the study". Sometimes, because I'm so amazing with all with my superhuman abilities I start to actually think I've created these situations just by allowing them to enter my mind. I don't necessarily think this is the case, it's just my mega overdrive desire to control something. ANYTHING. But now I must return to the land of "allowing" and trust the process. We'll get there in one way or another with a buried lesson ripe for the picking.

BUT STILL, it's no fun to be told to get off the bus or out of the line. After the standard bloodwork and results I was told that although some of Lil's numbers have improved, there were a couple that haven't and these protocols are sure strict about adhering to DATA. Plus, I don't want to harm my little Lil if she's not up for it. Nicole, however, has suggested that I start speaking to her in Urdu because maybe she doesn't understand English. (Worth a try). It's okay little lady Lil, we'll get there. Just take your time and when you're feeling loved and appreciated we'll give you some even better chances to shine.

Anyway, when the EDD doc came in this morning she said because of my enzyme levels "we wouldn't be able to dose you today anyway". All I kept hearing in the back of my mind was: "NO SOUP FOR YOU!" 


So, no more stem cell soup du jour... 

Well, fine Lady. I don't want any damn soup today anyway. 

We don't really know what's going on with Lil, but the goal is to get her back on track. She's fiery and angry for some reason and we need to create the perfect conditions for which she can heal and right now, she's just not there. So while we get her there, my superhuman powers are telling me an even better immunotherapy/immunocology trial will be ready for her when she's ready....Or HELL maybe this current new drug will be approved! (Happens all the time here at MSKCC).

So it's back to Limbo Land for the time being. We all know how much I love living in limbo land. I even hate the stupid limbo game at weddings!

Who invented this and thought it would be fun? Let me tell you the types of people who DO NOT find ducking under short sticks a jolly good time to have at weddings...PEOPLE WITH SHORT LEGS!

All those bruises on the back of my head.

This is the part where I find out who I am. Can I embrace this uncertainty and trust the process? Of course I can. I can do anything I put my mind to (especially now with these post-radiation superhuman abilities). I'm entering into a state of allowing and will embrace this new journey because it's meant to teach me something about myself I've yet to discover. Rachel is already pretty amazing so I'm excited what else I'll discover along this journey. By the way, I hope you all tell yourself some of this stuff on a daily basis. Just because I'm going through some heavy shit doesn't mean I'm any more amazing than every single one of you. You all have so much brilliance beauty and love within you, find the time to tap into it. Because once you do, you get to share it with the world and what a way to make it a breathtakingly beautiful place to live. 

And now I get to share some of this breathtaking magic that just happened in this very moment. My Madre and I have been sitting at MSKCC all day waiting for meds/appointments, etc. We've been in a quiet corner of one of the floors separated by about 100 feet from a family that just got some amazing news that her cancer is gone. We didn't want to intrude, but shared loving glances their way. My Mom remarked that this was the first time she had ever experienced something like that. I told her that this will be us soon enough and to pull some of that excited, loving, grateful energy our way.

As the family gathered their things and made their way to the elevators, the woman, who is now cancer free made her way over to us and said that this will happen for us too. I know it will. Thank you.

Life is beautiful. 

(Still not high, don't worry)


  1. Tears in my eyes envisioning and waiting for that moment for you and us! xxx

  2. You will have many, many Eureka moments in your life. We will all hoot and holler (and I will no doubt throw a hip out) and we will trip the light fantastic. I know it’s hard to ‘allow’ - but the big Kahoona knows what He’s doing. Just keep on truckin’ and keep writing. You are gifted. And sharing your gift with all who love you shows the generosity of your soul. And we get to know all the facets of Rachel. Like a diamond. I love you dearly♥️ - Cooper

  3. You are a true �� gem Rachel! Keep shining! Hugs & prayers sent every day ♥️