This is the tale of two sisters, Leddy and Luddite. They are conjoined twins and they reside within my body as Lung number 1 and Lung number 2. They are being massive dickheads at the moment. They demanded an urgent care trip Friday under the guise of receiving new state of the art med-spa facial treatments but decided to stay overnight for the fresh linens.
It seems Led and Lud have turned magnetic and are picking up every metal object in the universe. This is what I imagine an actual X-Ray of my chest to look like currently. The doctors just literally keep finding random pieces of tarmac in there. Maybe Delta should reimburse me for all those hours spent on runways.
Anyway - I'll be in for another night but think we're getting to some type of explanation at least based on how I feel.
How I felt this morning:
How I feel currently:
←←←←← (that's my knee...not my boob, just FYI)
For all my fellow-logic NEEDING friends and family, I know many of you will need some explanations for Led or Lud and LET ME TELL YOU I have NOT ONE, but TWO theories. One very much based in logic and one very much based in what some of you may call pseudoscience or what others may call "integrative medicine" at this point until they come up with a more comprehensive term.
Let's start with a logic/medicine based compilation of theories and then I'll launch into my other version of potential scenarios.
Logic based explanation: When I was back on the Immunotherapy study back in Jan of this year, my body had a similar (maybe not as severe reaction) to the immuno drugs. These immune-boosting infusions make your own cells go on some kind of war mongering assault against anything that looks to be an "outside threat". Apparently, my throat, lungs, chest are super threatening (well I guess there was some truth to this in high school). For those that didn't know me in high school please don't read too much into that, but for those that did, well...whatever.
Earlier this year under the first protocol, my body responded much the same way. My body was attacking cells which were 1) a threat, but also, 2) not a threat. I can go into this in another post because the science behind this is fascinating but my body's reaction was part of the reason they gave me less of the drug and then it stopped proving effective. Once your body goes on a rampage against itself, it's sure hard to slow that shit down. In a sense, Led and Lud are responding much the same way under this immunocology/stem cell infusion (even though the science is different). They've gone on a garbage collecting mission and are picking up anything they can get their slimy little bronchi hands on. This obviously affects my ability to breathe properly and my O2 stats ain't fab. They've been trying to get a good read on my fingers for the last few days but now feel like this tres chic headband will give them more consistent reads.
Potential investment opportunities available for these head-digs if they kick-off in the way I assume they will once modeled by Moi.
Game plan right now is for the docs to clean up the hot mess that Led and Lud are throwing in their kitchen. (Come ON PEOPLE - don't you know it's not cool to shit your own bed!??)
Team MSKCC are looking at whether this is:
* new infection, some type of infiltrate
* collapsed lung
* girls just being girls
The game plan is multi-faceted to tackle all of this shit-stirring simultaneously so that my O2 levels come up to normal. They're giving me antibiotics, steroids and lasiks as part of this process. They also have to monitor your blood while doing all of these things so none of these dynamic approaches throws off your actual blood chemistry too much. Of course I made a little Filipino friend today while she was taking my blood.
I asked her why the hell she was putting shooters on the table for us after she draws my blood.
Then of course we talked about Filipino food for the next 45 minutes. At one point she actually said "YOU'RE MAKING ME HOMESICK! How do you know so much about my home country!?" Well, let me tell you lady... I work with some freaking amazing people from the Philippines, who I now luckily get to call life-long friends. Not only that, but that little lady above, third pic down, was my first family introduction into the FILIPINO WAY and now I will always consider myself a little Filipina. Mabuhay!
So let's move on to the WOO WOO stuff
Integrative based explanation: Science is starting to come around to the fact that the mind/body/spirit are all interrelated and my alternative theory may sound absurd but no less absurd than two fruitcake lead weights throwing shit around their kitchen...means it may in fact be the most plausible explanation.
I remember my very first panic attack quite clearly. I was studying for a Freshman History exam in my UND Fulton hall dorm room when I shot out of bed with an absolute certainty that I couldn't breathe and needed to be driven to the nearest emergency room. Kristi drove me. Thanks, Kap.
Obviously when I got to the ER I couldn't really explain what the hell was wrong with me so I just told them I thought I was about to die and then they asked if I had just done a bunch of drugs. NOPE. (But sure sounds like I have, doesn't it!)
Ever since this first episode, anxiety has always been closely tied to my breath. But what does this mean, especially in this current context? I don't really want to go on the preemptive defense but can we all agree that there is scientific proven fact that stress manifests itself within our bodies? Stress is an emotion. Emotions and your mental well-being (whether you're processing things) impacts the cells of your body.
So what does the lung mean? It literally is the act of breathing....of LIVING. You are consciously taking in life during every breath you take. When we breathe we value our right to exist in this world and therefore take ownership of our life and actions. Lungs mean openness to new ideas, positive self image, letting go and just allowing things to take place. Well guess what didn't take place on Thursday and a full-fledged lung-wielding meltdown manifested itself in epic proportions on Friday? My well-laid out plans for this new trial.
So in SUMMARY, I'm bat shit scared of life, not feeling good enough or worthy enough or gosh do people even LIKE ME? But don't we all? I think the difference is that some people are better at processing these insecurities and releasing them back out of their metaphysical spheres. I harbor and hoard shit like cray, so I get why I keep re-visiting things. But this is my time now to clean out some junk. Let's get that shitty energy and those feelings of insecurity out of our bodies and make room for some good stuff. So here's to shots of O2 tomorrow and transitioning from fear and anxiety to love.