Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Calling Grandpa

This next post is going to launch us into some territory that some of my analytical/law school/logic-minded friends may find perplexing. But that's okay. All I ask here is for an open mind and a supportive mind-set. When I say things that may not be based in logic/proven fact please don't try to dissuade, ridicule or discredit. As human beings we are beautiful composites of all of our experiences intertwined together. No two experiences are alike and one does not invalidate the other just because it is different. It came into your life and has made you a part of who you are.

So there is my long-winded disclaimer, now shut up and take a seat. This story will involve MANY an anecdote to get us to where we need to be. The first and critical component of this story begins with Grandpa Larry.

Some of you will know who Grandpa is, but many of you will not and there is just no way to properly put him into words. One description that was just about as close as you could get was to describe him as the complete and perfect embodiment of love. He was actually love personified. Now imagine what that felt like to be around him, it was pure joy. He loved every soul so perfectly and flawlessly, whether they were his beloved daughters, his beautiful wife, his grandchildren and great-grandchildren, a stranger on a park bench or a tiny deer whose mother had been hit by a train and needed a new home.

Obviously my news affected Grandpa in quite a heavy manner and he scoured all corners of the internet to find me my cure. Little did he know just how active a participant he may be in this cure. At 93 years of age, Grandpa's cute little body, so full of life and love had started to slow down and his mind and spirit began contemplating the next transition. Although his health would waiver on occasion there was a promise that he made me that he was steadfast in keeping. On October 22nd, 2016, Grandpa helped walk me down the aisle with my Dad. (A tradition that is shared among our cousins to honor the father/grand-father figure he has always represented in our lives).

As we arrived at the alter Grandpa Larry turned to me and began to read a type-written note that he had prepared. He started with some of his fondest, earliest memories of me and how blessed he was to be there and a part of those memories. He fast forwarded through family trips and life milestones, re-affirming again that he has always been there. His message was that he was always there and he would always continue to be there for me. He wanted me to know that no matter what happened to him that I could always call upon him and he would be there for me. I knew this then and I know that now more than ever.

When Grandpa transitioned to the other realm at the end of January of this year I didn't feel the overwhelming sense of loss that I originally anticipated I may have felt. I actually became more connected to him and we started back-up with our witty weekly chats. He passed away about a week before I began a very intense round of in-patient immunotherapy (another pesky trial where things can go awry so they keep you closely monitored). I was quite apprehensive to begin and almost relieved to know that Grandpa was on the other side keeping a close eye on me "always there." I spoke to him frequently during that time and could feel his presence wash over me whenever I became too anxious.

Over the last several months, Grandpa and I have kept a strong dialogue. Sometimes I'll call on him when needed and there are others where he just shows up out of the blue because he can sense something. One of those times was a couple of months ago as I was getting ready for a CT scan. In the medical community the lead-up time before you enter the CT machine is coined "scan-xiety" because it creates such an intense mix of fear and emotions. But I'm sort of a pro by now, so I was doing my best to relax and was involved in a heart meditation as they called me back. I wasn't anxious so I didn't necessarily call for Grandpa but as I was walking back I could feel a sense of pure joy and calm wash over me. As they lifted me onto the machine and the electromagnetic waves started their loud pulsating I slowly closed my eyes and immediately saw Grandpa's face. It wasn't the face from the last year which wasn't his typical healthy demeanor. It was the face I was accustomed to while growing up. A round, slightly reddish tint to his skin with a small amount of stubble on his cheeks, which I could feel when I leaned over to kiss him. He gave me his big beaming smile with a bit of a chuckle at the back of his throat and he squeezed my hands as tight as he could. I could actually feel the warmth in my hands. Tears started pouring down my cheeks because it felt so good to receive a Grandpa Larry kiss and hug again. I was so enmeshed in absolute and pure love that it felt like if someone had renamed milk to love and it was being poured all over my body.

I rushed out of the exam that day to call my mom sobbing (in a good way) to recount the miraculous visit I had just had with Grandpa. I wanted to be sure she tell the rest of the family of my encounter so they could find peace in it as well. I think he visited this day because he knew the results of that scan would not be great and that new changes were on the horizon leading to some uncertain times. He wanted to remind me that he is still here and will always continue to be. 

Fast forward to a week ago where the ground was literally pulled from under us again with the news that these rogue cells are going up for some kind of a sneak peak inside my brain. Who does that?? That shit is off-limits, no one needs to know what's going on up there, let alone some defector butt cells. I guess though, it all comes full-circle, I've always had shit for brains. 

Well when the world comes crashing down, your angel warriors enter, and that she did. She will ever be known as "our lady of the farts" by me and her loving husband, having endured her relentless pregnancy gas "it's the baby! it's not me!" Anyway, you can call her by any loving name you like, Christina, Tina, Tuna, Tunaki, etc. She's my person, my best friend and personal/spiritual/junkie savior through all of this earth shattering shit. I know for certain we were always have meant to live this life together and I am no doubtful alive right now because of her. She has an innate ability to triage and know what to do in emergency situations, she's part Greek and highly insane which I think helps bring her balance. 

As I laid there in the ER with my Mom and Christina, I felt as sense of a breaking of reality. I think this is quite common in high intense situations, where bits of you break apart and go sneaking out into the universe. So I shared this insight with them. It was if I was living two complete separate realities. One was this original fear version of myself (if you recall I could sense an ever-growing sense of anxiety/fear creeping into my psyche over the last few weeks) that version of me would be bound to this train driven by the fear engineer into darkness and horrible possibilities and all of those racing thoughts that accompany that mindset. However, the other version of me was a complete new reality in which every moment was being actively and beautifully lived in the present, so full of beauty and light, magnificence and love. I, all of a sudden, noticed the ER doc was this young woman from India and her eyes were so radiantly green and piercing and full of compassion and love. I also had trouble connecting these beautiful loving glimpses back into that fear bound state I had just been living in. It's like they didn't match and couldn't be put back together. I obviously didn't want to re-live what the dread was like so I let it go. I didn't think I needed to make a decision at that point in time but without thinking my mind boarded the second lighter, loving, healing train and I felt encompassed in love. Thank you, Grandpa.  

Of course, no state of peace/calm lasts too long in my overly analytical mind and I started to question this latest hammer blow. Was I not learning the lessons I was supposed to learn from this original journey? Why is this happening and what does this next step mean? Guru Christina/Our lady of the farts kicked into full gear and started immediately researching her posy of spiritual/empath/medium friends that may be able to help me process some of this deep shit. 

By the following Tuesday she had lined me up with a Medium. I'm a big believer in mediums, always have been and you definitely don't have to be a spiritual person to be either. If you study energy and quantum mechanics, you know that energy does not die, it simply changes form. This means that the communication between the energy may be different and that is why we need a "medium" to help us communicate. I FaceTimed Melanie from my bedroom on Tuesday morning full of trepidation and excitement and a good dose of fear. I told her right away that I was fearful for speaking to her because I was worried she would be telling me I have a few weeks to live. She said those message very rarely happen and she has only seen it on occasion when it's meant to help the recipient of the message. Right after I had said this she had scribbled down on a piece of paper in all CAPS "NOT TRUE" - meaning I would not only live three more weeks but much much more. If you ever want to scroll on my facebook page through comments from Grandpa Larry, you will see that he speaks often times in ALL CAPS. Loves to get a point across. Right after she noted this remark she said "who is the father/grand-father figure"...well duh, I already knew it was him. Mediums will have their messengers "validate" themselves so that the recipient will know who is giving the message. At this time Melanie asked me why the heck he kept showing her a bunch of dimes? "Do you have some weird thing with dimes, Rachel"? I could feel the tears start to well up as I relayed the story of how my Grandpa Larry met my Grandma Lavina while she was working in a cafe in Turtle Lake, ND as he was a relief agent for the Northern Pacific Railroad. Every day he would come into the cafe where the lovely Lavina worked as a waitress and order a five cent cup of coffee and tip her a dime every single time. He won her heart, they were married and started their beautiful family, which I am a part of. All because of those dimes. 

Once Grandpa validated himself, she was able to give me direct messages from him. He said that I will be just fine and he reiterated almost every word that he had written in the passage he read to me after walking me down the aisle. He said this "stem cell" therapy will be the cure for me. Grandpa had always advocated stem cells for different treatments while he was alive. He had an uncanny instinct that they would be instrumental in his family's healing. Interestingly enough, the new drug protocol I've been enrolled in has the acronym "MSC-1", I had literally no idea until after this session and doing a little more research that SC in that acronym stands for stem cell. WTF

Melanie brought up the fact that this new drug protocol would be separate from the brain radiation but the radiation (even given some risks involved) is a great and easy option. It would be quick and dealt with and then I could move back on and focus on the systemic new drug protocol and the overall healing. She brought up my "timeline" and said that I won't be going anywhere soon, she sees in 2-3 years that I may struggle with a re-evaluation of medical events, but SHIT that's great! I'll take 3 years compared to 3 weeks!

I also had a couple of other visitors want to weigh in and say hi! Melanie asked who from my husband's side had passed who had served in the military. Well that would be Granddad George! I had never had the pleasure of meeting this man so full of British wit and love for his family but we honored him at our wedding and for that he was grateful. He told Melanie that Dan and I are soulmates meant to live this life together and we've known each other over many other past lives. Doesn't surprise me given how this English lad kept showing up in my life in all sorts of places. I guess some things are just out of our control. It gave the Dean family some healing peace to know that Granddad Dean is always watching and listening, very much involved in the day to day of our lives and loving us from afar. He's there with you when you sit at his final resting place and recall our family milestones; he's so proud of us all and I am so blessed to have him sending that divine love my way right now. 

A couple other visitors came through to show me their love and support. My Dad had an uncle Gene who I had become close to before he passed. I've often thought about him during the last few years thinking about whether he had any guidance for me. He had a tough life and his message for me was to live each day to the fullest. He was a kind beautiful soul. Another unexpected visitor came through as well. My step-dad Eric's Uncle Jimmy! Like Christina, Jimmy had an array of aliases. He went by "James, Jimmy, Tony, The Rat - lol, seriously". To say Jimmy was a character is one of the grandest understatements made to man. His mother, Celia hailed from Scotland and Jimmy sure enjoyed his scotch and a whole lot of bants. He seemed rough around the edges but was soft serve ice cream on the inside. As a single man in his 70's Jimmy was a favorite local at an Italian dive restaurant in Dilworth, MN. We would often accompany him to family dinners there and during college I saw a job posting, applied and began working as a waitress/bartender during school downtime. We officially solidified our bond during our Dilworth days. James died in his home from emphysema a few years later and he has often times occasionally popped into my head. Last Tuesday, he popped into Melanie's head. "Who is James, or Jimmy? Something about his lungs"? Well, shit, hi Jimmy! I think it shocked the hell out of my step-dad the most! Jimmy wanted to reiterate that I'm on the right path, will get through this pocket and will keep going, they are right here guiding me and protecting me.

Ever since this session I have never felt so much more protected. I feel like I've got "my guys" up there leading and guiding me and the sense of calm that has stayed with me feels so amazing. That's a big part of why I wanted to follow-up the original post with this one because I want you all to know that given soul shaking developments I am doing just fine. Things may even be starting to finally come together and make some sense.

Oh, one last visitor note. After Melanie asked about Grandpa, she asked "who has the little girl?" I started to get a bit teary again as I answered back that my sister has the most special little gift that she brought into this world a few short years ago. Melanie said she knew and that the two of us are very connected. Many people don't know this but the day I got a follow-up phone call from my doctor three years ago indicating some cancerous cells from the original biopsy I received a phone call no more than 30 minutes later from my sister. Becca told me she had just taken a pregnancy test that came back as positive. I immediately googled false positive pregnancy tests and let her know that you ARE DEF PREGS DUDE. As I reflected on this news, I started to cry because I knew our souls would forever be linked. Just as she would be striving to survive in her momma's internal sphere, I would be here trying to survive in this external sphere. And look at us now, surviving and thriving together.

She is my little earthly guardian angel and I'm so grateful to be her auntie. Even at these darkest times, it's crazy how full of love one can be. Is that the human experience our souls are meant to discover? What is love, the power of it, the all-encompassing joy of it? I don't have all the answers yet but I've decided to surrender to this beautiful love and let it wash over me from my friends, family both here on earth and those afar. I hope you do too, because it's beautiful and I love you very very much.

🐝 happy (as an aside - this was Grandpa Larry's motto in life "bee happy" and would frequently sign-off his messages in this manner)


  1. I knew there was a book inside you Rachel. Having read your blog I feel even more love for you if that’s possible and I’m glad that I can share the ride with you. I’m extremely proud of you and delighted that you agreed to marry my son and be part of our family. I love you dearly. Xx

  2. Hey, lovely Mom-in-Law. Let's run off and write books together when this whole ordeal is behind us, okay!?? Will you be my agent? We can travel the world selling our stories, signing deals and making a name for ourselves. Our spin-off company will of course be a travel guidebook section which will include important city hall addresses for our tourist friends that fall victim to a new cities cruel and unusual parking ordinances so that they may recoup their unjust fines. I looooooove you xoxoxo

  3. Would you mind sharing the name of the medium you used?