Saturday, December 29, 2018

The night the Jewish Penicillin saved my life

NPO is a word you don't want to hear in a hospital, It's a latin phrase that translates to "nothing by mouth"...and let me tell you. I'VE BEEN HEARING IT QUITE A BIT. After a couple of dark afternoons of the soul, hearing this phrase was quite the hammer blow.

However, in typical MSKCC saving grace fashion, Jessica came frolicking into my room telling me that I was off NPO. So I shouted at her to "FOLLOW THAT BRITISH MAN!" He knew exactly what to do and picked up a piping cup of

It will last because of people like this in my life:

"Rachel, I don't know how to tell you this but when I'm around you or hear from you, I feel your energy you are giving life right now. And it is light and it is beautiful and I thank you. God is using you as a vessel at this very moment to illuminate the lives around you. To put people on their paths and give them love and redemption. THAT is the miracle, Rachel. Love you beautiful light. Yes, you are moving things in a big way, big purpose. You have more power than you think in this situation, you are already saved, you've already been elevated." The whole universe is a living being moved by a force, and that is what you are. You are life.

You all keep me so strong, thank you for loving me!


Friday, December 28, 2018

This too shall past, this too shall last

Back to the land of the living? Are we right side up yet?

I've been living in the mind/body symptom swamp of terror for a couple of days as we wait for answers.....or just some frickin planzzzzzz. (There is only one assumption to make here and you are correct. This place looks/feels EXACTLY like the upside down from Stranger Things...did you even have to ask?).

To say that I've had an unshakable "spidey-sense" tingly of fear creeping around in my brain for the last couple of days can now be described as the understatement of a lifetime. I'm fairly certain that preparing for life/groundbreaking news from a place of sheer terror is a normal human reaction based on that annoying little negativity feedback mechanism thing ma-jingy...all because there were these LARGE MONSTERS called dinosaurs roaming the planet with people way back when. UGH. Fuck, dinosaurs, man.

Sorry, guy. But you sure screwed things up with a human's brains ability to process things square from a place of fear. And now everyone gets all excited when we find you! HEY YEAH MAN, WE LIVED. HE DED! Throw that stupid bone away. Any point in having a giant reminder of human evolution on your desk that Dave the dinosaur just continually wafts his stinky fear breath that everything is terrible, horrible, no good very bad?

Piss off, Dave.

So what happened then, yeah? Well you want to see something absolutely breathtakingly beautiful? You walk into a room of 7 doctors, all of which are women, all of which have taken off their white coats so as not to intimidate. They make up certain components of specialist teams which have been treating you since you arrived in the hospital with your head oncologist, after giving you with a big hug sits to your left. Of course they're all insanely beautiful creatures, both inside and out. I wasn't only treated by men, but my intuition tends to pull strong woman warriors to center stage and these, my friends, are ABSOLUTE WARRIORS. They all walk us through the events of my little body melt down and leave us with a likewise beautiful plan, which we shall call "System Stabilization". Let's get these organs operating at least at optimum level rather than break-neck speed. Then we discuss further interventions. Right now, my organs would not tolerate the toxicity levels we would need in order to administer harsh drugs, chemo, radiation and aggressive finger-pointing. Sounds good to me! Let's get these Sally's back on the wagon and put em to work. I can stay in the hospital as long as I need and then do the recuperating/system stabilization process from wherever. So where may that be, you ask?

I've heard from a wise woman recently (me) that you should really start to follow those inner voices and intuitive signs. So guess what's been on my mind a whole bunch, recently? Sorry, not Georgia. But close! Arizona! I've been craving a beautiful environment to clear out the junk from my system and bring in the good and just be enclosed in some down home frickin natural beauty. Know a good place? Because I do! And they've been swinging between my ears literally for the last TWO MONTHS (at very least). Sedona and Mesa have been continuously popping into my head and both also happen to be:1) naturally breathtakingly beautiful and 2) high on the energy scale in terms of healing. Of course, the second I start to proclaim these ideas of mine--based on the synchronicity-vortex i'm living in I"m getting messages from people who are either CURRENTLY there or have been there and have healed or those that know about. Shit. you. not. (So please keep junking up all my messages with tips, stories and contacts!)

Lesson of the day:

1) when  you're ready for it
2) open yourself up to it and ask
3) the universe will literally deliver to your doorstep

So there is a lot to unpack in the above...I get that. BELIEVE YOU ME, I definitely plan on doing some deep unpacking here because after this meeting, I've just never been more excited for living. It's weird, I keep trying to replay events in my head from "our conference" similar to probably how I would back in high school after a break-up with a boyfriend...looking for the parts which were terrible and awful and horrible and scary. I go into my head looking for that and what comes out is this absolute FIRE for LIFE. So I guess that's where I'm the land of the fire. To purge. Clear. Heal.

Will never leave you without an abundance of Adlie love bug pics to lift (an already good) mood:

Love ya'll



Tuesday, December 25, 2018

Kristmas at Kettering!

One, in general, would not assume that spending a Christmas Holiday in the hospital would be rather enjoyable...BUT today was actually SUCH A GOOD DAY. It's not about where you spend Christmas, it's about where your heart is at Christmas. Mine was in the love and care of two very important camps: 1) Staff at MSKCC and obvs 2) my amazing family.

The nurses, doctors and staff at MSKCC are actual angels. I've often wondered how they realistically hire people who genuinely just fricking care so much about other humans. Do they require some type of personality or "angel testing"? I'm actually serious. While watching my all-time favorite Christmas movie "It's a Wonderful Life" last night, I realized that all the people here have the heart of Clarence. You will never meet a mean or rude MSKCC employee. I find it absolutely stunning that an organization this large in the heart of New York fricking City, can hire thousands of people without one of them ever being rude or possibly ever in this midst of a bad day?? I've sometimes joked that they must pump either drugs or pure oxygen into these buildings because everyone is always so damn nice. All of these things are very very good, they just perplex the shit out of me. So my time here has been spent with a whole group of Clarences. I've made best friends with every single nurse I've had and am already trying to figure out ways to stalk them so we can become best friends in real life. Hana, I will miss your bright sunny face greeting me every morning! Also, what the hell do you use on your skin, it's flawless!?? Lauren...don't ever tell ANYONE that I almost conned you into looking up RBG's room number so we could go stalk her. But also thank you for taking me to the Christmas spectacle downstairs in the basement, I love you!

To help the MSKCC camp feel less bad (but honestly they never feel bad who am I kidding?) about working on Christmas, of course Mom and Eric had to do something for them. So in, stereotypical Midwestern fashion they brought it a massive bag of muffins, bagels, fruit (some other kosher treats) and a big Ol thank you card for the peeps working on the floor today. They are giving us their love and compassion and making a sacrifice on the family front but we are so unbelievably grateful for their love and would happily consider each and every one of them a dear member of our own family.

On to Camp Number 2 - my amazing loving family that was my genuine saving grace today and every damn day of my life. They've obviously dropped everything to come out to be here with me on Christmas.
This one obviously cleared her schedule immediately and boarded the first available flight. WELL LET ME TELL YOU, she's been quite the hit in here in NYC. I fully support a move to live with her auntie and uncle after she graduates pre-k. 

One is an Elsa-nose and one is an Olaf-nose

How can this not be pure medicine???

Your family is part of your soul, they are a part of who you are as a person. When you break, they break and that fact alone has always been the hardest for me to take (Damnit, I'm not trying to rhyme but definitely not changing it either). Anyway, I'm learning and trusting the process of allowing them to just be there to take care of me and not doing so much protecting. It's been so incredibly healing to allow them to put some of these shattered pieces back together. We're forming a healthier body and spirit in the midst of all of this. Is that what this Christmas is about for me? I'm literally discovering the human spirit and what it takes to mend the body and the soul. I think the answer is a whole lot of love but they say love creates miracles and in that fact I have no doubt.

So, thank you family for being my saving grace this Christmas. I love you so freeeeeaaaaaking much.

And of course thank you to the continual barrage of amazing pics and videos from friends and family. They keep me moving when I'm dredging deep in the mind/body swamp. Where symptoms of the body breed ugly thoughts of the mind. These daily reminders that love is so pure and light lift me from a place of fear to a place love and that's where I need to be in order to heal, so THANK YOU!

This pic of Sam (who's great fear in life is breaking things, especially small important fragile things) holding a baby with THIS AMOUNT OF UNADULTERATED JOY has changed me as a person. Like. Forever.

I don't know about you, but I say Emma has some untapped potential in the head/face sculpting business! I've never seen a more genuine likeness to my MUG than this kid just magnificently manifested! #knockoffworthy

Love you all!



Saturday, December 22, 2018


Do you even know me if you can't say that one of my most absolute favorite ways to spend my time in life is coming up with pranks? When filling out forms and being asked for "hobbies" I legitimately put "pranking people". BECAUSE IT'S THE TRUTH PEOPLE.

And finally in the Art of Rachel Pranks someone has almost topped my game:

I kind of censored for Enid, but let's be real. We know what it says. For Enid's peace of mind we'll say the recipient of the "message" is cancer. You know what to do, cancer. Go on then.  

MY FRIENDS HAVE OFFICIALLY PERFECTED THE ART OF THE HOSPITAL GIFT! I can claim no greater glory than the impetus of inspiration for this fine feat.

So yeah, I said it earlier. The last two days have not been grand. My tummy has been responding poorly to all the steroids, antibiotics and napalm they're feeding it so yesterday was in some pain and unable to eat. Well, when they don't trust you can eat one day...they hold off on feeding you for the next. AGHHHH. I've been munching on ice chips for two days. I told the doc our goal tomorrow is a swig of water and three of coffee. I'm fine with someone just walking by me with coffee at this point.

Led and Lud seem to be cooperating though and are getting over their little shit fit day by day. But as far as timing goes, it can be said with a degree of certainty now that I won't be heading home to ND for the Holidays (hopefully out of the hospital/fingers crossed).

What does that mean? MIDWEST INVASION. What could possibly go wrong?

This is Adlie telling me "Rachie, when we done eating we gone come there". Okay, babes!

I'm pretty damn excited about it all. Also about all the continued love and support I get from you amazing amazing people. Here again is just a glimpse:

Alright guys, love you!



Thursday, December 20, 2018

Is it bizarre to be experiencing extreme bursts of absolute bliss right now?

Tomorrow will be a week since I came into the hospital (yikes) with what I thought was going to be a simple request for a nebulizer treatment. Slowly but surely is the name of the game and that's fine with me. I'm slowly stabilizing and the docs are surely figuring out the genesis to this little event. Once I'm stable, I'll be released back into the great unknown. We'll meet with my dream team and get another plan in place.

You could say times are a tad uncertain or on shaky ground. Every now and then you get ricocheted into these really dark places but the light that shines through from your loved ones is the most brilliant thing you'll ever see. The dichotomies are extreme here but are absolutely riveting.

Here is just a small sampling of the daily love I receive that literally feeds my soul and blasts open the beauty and power of the human spirit.

Of course, as I'm waiting to post these pictures I take time to scroll through some emails and in keeping with this divine/synchrodestiny world I'm currently living in I'm once again brought to my knees by a colleague's email. It's sent out of pure love and I weep not just for the individualized messages within but for the overall beauty of the soul and what a soul does when seeing another in need.

This is all so hard to describe. In the depths of these great unknowns I keep getting these booming sensations of PURE JOY. Is this what happens when your soul shatters, breaks open and finally sees life for the first time? I've tried to put it into words to a few people and I become so overwhelmed that the words leave my mouth and I sit there with this stunned tearful look on my face and that's about where the conversation ends.

There is so much beauty around us and WITHIN us. Ugh.. tap into that (guess I had to try to tie the last post to this one :)