Wednesday, December 19, 2018

Emotionally and Physically Tapped - Two day post

Tap that shit. Well today (12/18) was interesting. I'm not sure if it was last night's late post that stirred some things up but I woke up in a very EMOTIONAL state of being. Everything made me cry. Things that didn't make sense, things that did make sense. Things the nurse said to me to try to get me to smile [WHO CRIES WHEN SOMEONE IS TRYING TO MAKE YOU SMILE!??]

I had a procedure scheduled at 10 am today to have an abundance of fluid removed from my lungs. I was a literally being tapped. Then it dawned on me. My mood and emotions were also being tapped. I was being drained both from the body and the spirit.Timing was perfect because it could allow for a simultaneous release! My mind/spirit knew what my body was being prepared for and it started to make it's own preparations for it's own expulsion of JUNK.

Well, there was my answer. I knew why I had woken up in such a state and knew that I couldn't hide from it any longer. Old-school Rachel would've done her classic hid under the rug trick, but I've decided to start picking up on the cues my body is sending me now. New me, when I can feel an onset of some type of emotion (whatever it may be: sadness, anxiety, frustration, etc.) I don't immediately go tell it to piss off back to the corner where it came from. I validate it. It's okay to feel this way....I note it and then I let it wash through and over me like a waterfall.

These emotions are compasses, psychological road maps for us and we should not ignore them. Let's say, hi and not shoo them away immediately BUT we should also not let them drive our lives and live in our bodies and make us sick.

Did you know that according to Chinese Medicine the emotions associated with the lungs are sadness and grief? But what am I grieving? Hmm weird, I can name a few:

  • Maybe this diagnosis?
  • A different sort of life that I thought I would be currently living (traveling the world, having babies, helping strangers, being creative)
  • Me maybe? Being intuitively, uniquely myself instead of living up to or according to everyone else's social norms of what life is supposed to look like? 
Leading up to October 2015, I thought I was pretty happy and things were finally coming together, I was racking up major life milestones (were they all unapologetically my very own? Maybe not) but I couldn't be labeled a failure for the things I was doing. Looking back now I could maybe hear those little whisperings which were nudging me in a different direction or telling me to listen closer. But who the heck listens to GHOSTS? Expect, me now. (Hi, Grandpa).

I'd like to compare one's own intuition to that of a toddler. A "being" so inherently ALL emotion and spirit that the logic/mind/thoughtful analysis component is at an overwhelming ZERO. Well, have you ever ignored an indignant toddler for long enough? I believe most of my friends will say you will get an anvil to the head. And that I did. All of a sudden I had this diagnosis and these roadblocks were dropped in front of "my path?" and I now needed to navigate around/through it?

Obviously I decided to mainly ignore it. I'd get by, do my best, get the Country's top state of the art treatment (One based in medicine focusing on eliminating the symptoms or killing the disease but often times overlooking the root cause of the disease) and then I would get on with my life and lead at least a semblance of what I thought one should look like after an event such as this.

Yet, by doing this didn't I just shave a whole aspect of me, my personality my RESILIENCE and my entire being out of this huge game plan? And we're talking about a big game plan here, folks. One meant to save my LIFE. For whom did I make this substitution and sent myself to a bench to watch a very important game? To make other people think "I've got it together, she's going through some shit but she's got her head above water." Why did I want so desperately for people to see me as okay? Can we please start telling ourselves it's OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY. Because look what happens when you do....people pour out to support you in every conceivable way you can imagine and shit, it's f'ing beautiful.

So let's tap into some shit. My mind was already preparing my body to have some fluid tapped so I think my spirit hopped on the band wagon to join the party. This time, I let it! I'm starting to listen to that anvil-wielding toddler! Following your intuitive guidance (and on occasion your own toddler) is the highest form of preventative and loving health care for yourself. If you leave a toddler with a large anvil, some bad shit may potentially ensue. Likewise, wounds that reside in your body become more and more painful and inhibit you from being your true self. In the wise words of an incredible man "don't let your biography become your biology" -Dr. Wayne Dyer.

Clearly the doctors know what they're doing with their medical instruments tapping fluid from a lung. But what the frank do I do to remove some of this grief and sadness from my lungs? How do I allow them to feel deserving of the air they're breathing in order to live a life more fulfilled?

Two ways actually. FREAKING CRY and then FORGIVE. 

Forgive the shit out of yourself for anything you ever said about yourself that was in any way critical, negative or destructive. Why are we all so fricking hard on ourselves? I do believe there is an actual term called the negativity bias and it reigns from the cave-man days. I guess it had purpose in keeping us alive and actively dodging dinosaurs for quite a while but now it's just rude and doesn't make me feel very good when I thought that sweater looked a tad more slimming in the dressing room mirror now just looks frumpy. Hmpf. 
There you have my new mental routine. Cry! Earth-shattering cries. Let it come over you, shake you to the core and then flow out of you. You know what? Feel's freaking GREAT! New business idea - CRY CLASSES (who's in?). Then, tell yourself you're really really sorry you've been such a bad friend to literally the most important person in your life. You never truly believed in her, never gave her credit where credit was due and always always criticized. Hi, Rachel - I'm fricking sorry for putting you on the bench, get your ass back in the game. (After a good cry, of course). 

Oh, and if you ever needed more proof that the people of and supporters/donors of MSKCC are is proof. Just 1/8th of a ginormous gift bag all patients in the hospital received today. 


K - bye guys. Love ya'll



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